Decisions Can’t Always Be Made

I’ve found myself depressed for the last 3 days. One of the reasons is I am incredibly stressed out. My husband and I talked both last night and today about the ECT. I thought I had decided to wait until we went to Omaha, it seemed logical. I am sure there is emotional reasons for putting it off as well. My husband thinks I am afraid it won’t work. I suppose that’s true.

Today he offered to talk to his work and I made an appt. for the consultation tomorrow to see if we could do it before we left. I thought it might be ideal. However then I started questioning myself. Am I doing it because I want to do it or because I want him to stay here in CA with me. I honestly don’t know.

We went out to the Marina to lay in the sun and take my daily pictures when I posed these questions to him. I have a very hard time expressing myself emotionally and right now I don’t know what to do. So I am going to wait. I’m going to do nothing.

I don’t want him to leave but I am under so much stress with the move and other things that my body is telling me to chill the fuck out. I think I will. Him leaving isn’t going to be joyful by any means but I don’t want to settle on ECT now and somehow regret it later for doing it for the wrong reasons.

Ya I am mostly also being a chicken shit. I think that under these circumstances it’s ok. I don’t like being pressured and that is what I am feeling on all sides. It’s not good for my health. The option to do it once we moved seems like the best thing for me right now. This way my husband will be able to stay with me on the days I get it done when we move home. Here it would have been harder.

While it might seem like I am arguing with myself with this blog, I’m not. Maybe I am. I just know that I think it’s best to wait for whatever reasons I’m not ready now.

4 comments

  1. It does make some sense to wait until you have moved and are settled in before undertaking the ECT. And having your hubby with you throughout the ECT also seems like a good idea. But, you’re right, they may also be convenient excuses to put it off.
    Tough call.

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  2. I had ECT twice (several years apart) and it pulled me out from suicidal depression each time. I wrote about my experience a long time ago in my blog – I’m not sure if you were reading back then. Here’s the link: http://proudlybipolar.wordpress.com/2014/01/22/are-you-shocked-that-i-got-shocked/

    I’m proud of you for considering it! It was scary the first time for all kinds of reasons, but then from that point on I actually looked forward to the treatments and the staff were extremely kind..

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  3. It didn’t hurt that the anesthesiologists were all babes! And no, I wasn’t manic/hypersexed when they worked with me!! ;)))))) Quite the opposite. :(((( Sending you hugs!!!!

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