Today it is freezing and there is some cheesy snow. You know the kind that doesn’t really seem to be from the sky but is on the ground non-the-less. So I thought that I would post some nice sunny pictures from California to show that even though I hated living there, there was still beauty to be had. Then I realized all my gorgeous sunny photos are locked up in storage jail on my primary computer.
It’s made me wish for my things yet again. One day I will have one computer with my photography and Photoshop and illustrator on and one for all my games and things and they will be in my presence.
When we are in our home I will be able to sit down and write my book. I have a hard time just sitting on my laptop and focusing on my story(ies). I want to be able to sit in a comfortable computer chair and listen to music blaring full blast and just throw out my words until my fingers tire.
I had stopped creating when I was unmedicated and now I want to create something almost every day and I’m unable to really get into things because this is not my home and I can’t create the way that I really want to.
I miss being able to be slightly manic and write little novelettes and poems because there is no place to sit and listen to the voices in my minds eye tell me stories.
I’ll be posting more than my feelings next year, it will be all of me. Sometime in January I will hit a full year of posting and next year I want to do the same thing only bigger, better.. I guess we shall see.
I’ve found myself depressed for the last 3 days. One of the reasons is I am incredibly stressed out. My husband and I talked both last night and today about the ECT. I thought I had decided to wait until we went to Omaha, it seemed logical. I am sure there is emotional reasons for putting it off as well. My husband thinks I am afraid it won’t work. I suppose that’s true.
Today he offered to talk to his work and I made an appt. for the consultation tomorrow to see if we could do it before we left. I thought it might be ideal. However then I started questioning myself. Am I doing it because I want to do it or because I want him to stay here in CA with me. I honestly don’t know.
We went out to the Marina to lay in the sun and take my daily pictures when I posed these questions to him. I have a very hard time expressing myself emotionally and right now I don’t know what to do. So I am going to wait. I’m going to do nothing.
I don’t want him to leave but I am under so much stress with the move and other things that my body is telling me to chill the fuck out. I think I will. Him leaving isn’t going to be joyful by any means but I don’t want to settle on ECT now and somehow regret it later for doing it for the wrong reasons.
Ya I am mostly also being a chicken shit. I think that under these circumstances it’s ok. I don’t like being pressured and that is what I am feeling on all sides. It’s not good for my health. The option to do it once we moved seems like the best thing for me right now. This way my husband will be able to stay with me on the days I get it done when we move home. Here it would have been harder.
While it might seem like I am arguing with myself with this blog, I’m not. Maybe I am. I just know that I think it’s best to wait for whatever reasons I’m not ready now.