breathe

A Better Day?

I’m feeling slightly better today. I don’t know if it’s real though. I did my normal Saturday wake n bake.

I feel less heavy though. It feels like I have been given a little room to breath. Just a little but the air is wonderful. It gives me some hope that I can slide back to the other side of the see-saw.

I woke up and started painting almost right away. I have things in my brain that need to come out apparently. Oh it would be so lovely if I could have a hypo-manic episode, I could get so much shit done. Right now I’m ignoring that stuff and waiting until I feel better to do anything about it. Unless I get motivated.

Motivation would be nice.

Resolutions? Plausible.

I usually don’t make resolutions because honestly usually by the second week in January I have failed and am beating myself up. I realized that I make really big ones that are hard to do anytime. Like the common.. I’ll lose weight. My brain just can’t wrap itself around it. I have tried for years and haven’t been successful. So my resolutions will be smaller, easier to manage.

I gave up caffiene (I think) a few month ago. It’s been at least a couple. I didn’t think I could handle it, but it really interferes with the way my brain works and I don’t want to make things even harder on the meds meant to fix me.

So here are my resolutions.

1) Give up potatoes. I can do this, I’ve mostly stopped getting fries when I get meals so just going to expand on that.

2) I am going to try and breathe more. Like instead of freaking out and being angry or annoyed all the time I am going to take a moment out to myself, turn on some music or just have a nap and breathe. Stepping away is something I’ve been avoiding because I dread being alone. I make myself so much more than I need to.

3) I’m going to continue blogging every day. I am hoping to start my writing and picture blog back up when we get in the house and I have access to my computer. This one will keep going every day. I find that most days I actually look forward to writing. There are the ones I dread but then I feel proud of myself for doing it regardless of how I am feeling.

That’s it, nothing special, just three smallish resolutions to start the new year off. I think I can do these. Once I get into my home I may add more things to the list, but honestly there isn’t a lot of possibility of them happening whilst living in someone else’s home.

Do you think you make realistic resolutions if you made any?

 

Not All It’s Cracked Up To Be

Living with my mom in law is not all that it is cracked at to be.

There are going to be times when there is conflict. Food, TV Shows, etc.

I can see the conflicts coming.

I love hanging out with her. I miss time alone with my husband. I miss being able to watch or listen to what I want.

I’m gettting pre-frustrated. Ya thats a word, now anyhow. lol.

Must breathe, breathe..

I Can’t Breathe

Yesterday I walked around the block by myself and felt pretty good about it. Doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to most but I wasn’t even going out 2 months ago, let alone, alone. I decided to do it again today. I was fine walking around the block, talking in my head to myself about how it wasn’t a big deal. I had to pee the whole time so that kind of kept me focused enough to go around the whole block.

When I got into the apartment though my hands started shaking, my breathe became quick and I felt like fainting. I’ve never fainted, ever.. I often wonder when I start hyperventilating if this is going to be the time that I do. I guess not this time.

When I have a panic attack which this clearing is the walls start closing in, giving me that disassociation I often have. It makes me feel like I am looking at the world through one of those boxes you make to watch eclipses, if that makes any sense.

I thought I would run and grab a clonazepam and wait for it to work, but I am going to breathe through it, write through it, deal with it.

My depression might be starting to take a hold but I am not going to let the anxiety ruin an accomplishment for me.  So I am going to breathe, slow.. breathe, calm..

It is a beautiful day.

I walk around the block by myself.

It’s time to breathe.