paranoia

Today Was Interesting!!

Whoever said that interesting was a good term might have been a little confused. I had a couple things happen to me today. I spent most of the day pissy and weepy because of the first thing and kind of excited about the second thing.

Apparently my father married his long ass live-in girlfriend today.. Good for them. They deserve each other. I found out about this from my sister who found out from her daughter who found out from the girlfriends daughter-in-law on fucking Facebook.  My first reaction was to go on there and be a complete psychotic bitch about it. I’ve tried to keep a relationship with my father even though he has tried nothing in return. I was stunned and hurt and wanted to inflict that hurt on others.. I decided it was a waste of my time so I just stayed sullen and teary for several hours. Except for my sisters my family is fucking useless. USELESS!!! I’m done with them. I’m tired of caring about people who don’t care about me and their own selfish shit.

I always thought I would be a horrible daughter if my father passed away and I hadn’t seen him again. I think the only person it will hurt will be me. I’m used to guilt and I’ll deal with it when it happens, but I don’t see what else I can do. My closest sister is coming to see my in fall/winter and my daughter will come see me when she gets her shit together. Gawd I hope she does that soon. It makes my stomach ache thinking about the things she does..

How are we supposed to avoid stress when it is constantly bombarding us? We even make our own if there is nothing going on…

The good thing is that hubby went down and told the people we were leaving in the end of June. I’m happy about this.. I want to clarify even though I was slightly ranty yesterday my husband is doing this for me. So we can own a home and be stable, so there can be family there when he can’t be. So I’m not isolated and alone all the time. I worry about the other things but seriously he has put up with my crazy ass shit for 13+ years. I think he knows what would happen if he did something stupid. Something crazy… He wants to avoid the crazy. I start taking the lithium again tonight to keep from being crazy even though I still feel like shit..

I both feel sorry for and mad respect the people who put up with our shit.. They need medals just for that! I think I’ll design one.

On another good note, my girl reminded me about doing my fitnesspal with her so we could get in shape together. I am glad she did, I need the focus. I honestly just want to pack the entire house up right now..

Paranoia

Mood: All over the place 😦

When my husband and I got together I had little trust of anyone. Even to this day I only trust him and after being together 13 years it’s still shaky. Has he ever done anything that could make me distrust him.  Not that I am aware of. We agreed to certain rules in our relationship to make me feel more secure. No opposite sex friendships. I personally don’t think these are possible anyhow, but that is just my opinion. No one on one lunches with females, even from work. No watching porn without me and when he goes out of town he still needs to be in contact with me. Typically we Skype. He has managed to do all these things but one over the course of our relationship.

The one he failed at was watching porn. The fact that he had done it wasn’t that shocking, it was the fact that he hadn’t told me about it. I don’t think it meant all that much to him. He left the damn thing up on his Ipad that I will usually play with throughout the day, maybe it was an admission of guilt. I have no idea. I just know at that time I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach, my heart hurt, my brain tried to figure out the why of it.  As the thought of this still bugs me probably over a year from that day, I can’t help but wonder how I would feel if it had of been an affair. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be around to write this.

This brings me to my most prevalent paranoia. The one that at times has me checking my husbands IM’s, emails, physical mail, CC’s, etc. I think I am a little spy and only feel content when I have completely worn myself down. He never hides these things from me and always makes sure I know the passwords. This however doesn’t make me feel better, it often makes me feel worse. I wonder what secret things he has put aside that I don’t know about.  It’s easy to be sneaky in this day and age.. Luckily this is not with me every day and usually coincides with my depression. I wonder what the trigger is.. There’s always something isn’t there.

The other big paranoia I have is of people judging me and some might not even call it paranoia, but it keeps me from living a full and healthy life. I think every person who walks or looks at me is talking about me. When they laugh it is because they are making fun of me. When they smile at me it is with distaste or pity.  I’m told that people don’t really take that time to look at people. I look very closely at people. I think they think of all the hateful hurtful things that I think of myself. I want to curl up in a ball and hide in a closet. This never seems to get easier. It only doesn’t bother me when I am manic and that’s cause then I think I am awesome… ha wish I was my manic self all the time.  Seriously

I have other smalls ones that pop their heads up when I get too little sleep or having an off day. The things in the shadows that will come and get me. I still never hang a hand or foot off the bed at night. Most nights I have to have a light on because I know if it is dark that’s when whatever I am fearful of will be waiting.. No idea what it is, but I know it’s there.  I even will sleep with my back pressed against my husbands so that both sides of the bed are protected. (he never knows this happens cause he honestly sleeps so deep he would be dead before he woke up) I’m the protector.. hehe.

These are the kinds of things I am paranoid about. Some might say it’s fear, but I know the difference.

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Dammit Why Today

Mood – crappy with a  side of WTF

Last night I had horrible dreams of people trying to murder me. My husband accidently shooting a baby that was ours. Seriously ridiculous stuff since we have dogs (I do have a grown daughter). We decided kids would be a bad idea, I’m not stable and he doesn’t know how to say no. Really wouldn’t work.

I kept going back to sleep trying to fix my dreams. Not sure if any of you are able to return to the dreams you had and rewrite them but I do this quite a lot. Can I repeat happy dreams, nope not yet. Maybe one day. I don’t really have all that many anyhow so hard to practice

Anyhow the point is I woke up paranoid which is usually one of the ways my depression starts. It always centers around my husband and the fact that he might be having an affair. Now this man spends most of his time home, he works late maybe 4 times a year and is almost always immediately available should I need him. I have no ‘real’ reason to even remotely think anything like that.. However it pops in my head, I mean if I was him I would want some thin beautiful young woman. Why would he want to always be with this fat, ugly irrational woman when he can get himself some sweet thing on the side.

BTW I also think my husband is handsome enough to get any girl he wants.. Also not a reality, but it must be good for his ego.

Why does it have to start on Valentines Day, a day I already pretty much detest because my romantic side is way more creative then my husbands.. Thank you 20 years of romance novels! I think I am going to start boycotting all holidays which could possibly turn out disappointing. Christmas, V-day, Birthdays, hells ya! Lets just thrown em in the ocean and let them learn how to swim.

God I feel sad and tired….. I hate it..

What’s even worse is I posted on twitter to some cute things and actually was sad when in minutes no one responded.. Funtastical.. ugh

Might go back to bed even murderers are more fun than this..

 

EDIT: could this be one of those triggers I have been told to start looking for? V-Day = Bad Day?