Mood: All over the place 😦

When my husband and I got together I had little trust of anyone. Even to this day I only trust him and after being together 13 years it’s still shaky. Has he ever done anything that could make me distrust him.  Not that I am aware of. We agreed to certain rules in our relationship to make me feel more secure. No opposite sex friendships. I personally don’t think these are possible anyhow, but that is just my opinion. No one on one lunches with females, even from work. No watching porn without me and when he goes out of town he still needs to be in contact with me. Typically we Skype. He has managed to do all these things but one over the course of our relationship.

The one he failed at was watching porn. The fact that he had done it wasn’t that shocking, it was the fact that he hadn’t told me about it. I don’t think it meant all that much to him. He left the damn thing up on his Ipad that I will usually play with throughout the day, maybe it was an admission of guilt. I have no idea. I just know at that time I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach, my heart hurt, my brain tried to figure out the why of it.  As the thought of this still bugs me probably over a year from that day, I can’t help but wonder how I would feel if it had of been an affair. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be around to write this.

This brings me to my most prevalent paranoia. The one that at times has me checking my husbands IM’s, emails, physical mail, CC’s, etc. I think I am a little spy and only feel content when I have completely worn myself down. He never hides these things from me and always makes sure I know the passwords. This however doesn’t make me feel better, it often makes me feel worse. I wonder what secret things he has put aside that I don’t know about.  It’s easy to be sneaky in this day and age.. Luckily this is not with me every day and usually coincides with my depression. I wonder what the trigger is.. There’s always something isn’t there.

The other big paranoia I have is of people judging me and some might not even call it paranoia, but it keeps me from living a full and healthy life. I think every person who walks or looks at me is talking about me. When they laugh it is because they are making fun of me. When they smile at me it is with distaste or pity.  I’m told that people don’t really take that time to look at people. I look very closely at people. I think they think of all the hateful hurtful things that I think of myself. I want to curl up in a ball and hide in a closet. This never seems to get easier. It only doesn’t bother me when I am manic and that’s cause then I think I am awesome… ha wish I was my manic self all the time.  Seriously

I have other smalls ones that pop their heads up when I get too little sleep or having an off day. The things in the shadows that will come and get me. I still never hang a hand or foot off the bed at night. Most nights I have to have a light on because I know if it is dark that’s when whatever I am fearful of will be waiting.. No idea what it is, but I know it’s there.  I even will sleep with my back pressed against my husbands so that both sides of the bed are protected. (he never knows this happens cause he honestly sleeps so deep he would be dead before he woke up) I’m the protector.. hehe.

These are the kinds of things I am paranoid about. Some might say it’s fear, but I know the difference.