Mood – crappy with a  side of WTF

Last night I had horrible dreams of people trying to murder me. My husband accidently shooting a baby that was ours. Seriously ridiculous stuff since we have dogs (I do have a grown daughter). We decided kids would be a bad idea, I’m not stable and he doesn’t know how to say no. Really wouldn’t work.

I kept going back to sleep trying to fix my dreams. Not sure if any of you are able to return to the dreams you had and rewrite them but I do this quite a lot. Can I repeat happy dreams, nope not yet. Maybe one day. I don’t really have all that many anyhow so hard to practice

Anyhow the point is I woke up paranoid which is usually one of the ways my depression starts. It always centers around my husband and the fact that he might be having an affair. Now this man spends most of his time home, he works late maybe 4 times a year and is almost always immediately available should I need him. I have no ‘real’ reason to even remotely think anything like that.. However it pops in my head, I mean if I was him I would want some thin beautiful young woman. Why would he want to always be with this fat, ugly irrational woman when he can get himself some sweet thing on the side.

BTW I also think my husband is handsome enough to get any girl he wants.. Also not a reality, but it must be good for his ego.

Why does it have to start on Valentines Day, a day I already pretty much detest because my romantic side is way more creative then my husbands.. Thank you 20 years of romance novels! I think I am going to start boycotting all holidays which could possibly turn out disappointing. Christmas, V-day, Birthdays, hells ya! Lets just thrown em in the ocean and let them learn how to swim.

God I feel sad and tired….. I hate it..

What’s even worse is I posted on twitter to some cute things and actually was sad when in minutes no one responded.. Funtastical.. ugh

Might go back to bed even murderers are more fun than this..

 

EDIT: could this be one of those triggers I have been told to start looking for? V-Day = Bad Day?