Mood: Tired with a touch of sadness.
Last night I could not sleep. This happens quite frequently so if I make a lot of spelling errors I apologize.
The other night I said to my husband. Do you think I am mentally ill enough, I haven’t tried to kill myself in a while. This was a concern about talking to my shrink about ECT.
It’s not that I haven’t thought about it, I mean when I am depressed all I can think about is how tired I am of all this. However because I don’t have the extreme Mania that I did before it’s something I actually think about as opposed to just *bam* doing it. It scares me to think my mania is low when I spent 15000 dollars on crap in a 2 month period. I can’t even imagine what that would be like unmedicated!!
Back on topic. Last night I was feeling so off, kind of like watching myself from the outside. It’s so hard to describe. I hate when this happens as I am hyper aware of everything around me, tiny sounds, light, how every single part of my body feels. I was cutting boxes open with a knife and thought I bet stabbing myself in the leg would bring me back to being myself. I thought about it for probably 30 mins, then calmly put the knife down and walked away. Had I been unmedicated I would have likely just done it.
This I didn’t tell hubby about, I try to be completely honest with him about how I am feeling, but tend to hide instances where I think about hurting myself. I know I should share this, but I don’t want to have to go to the hospital. I’ve managed to avoid it so far over the years except for a couple of suicide attempts and would like to keep it that way. I need to be with my Boo, it keeps me grounded for the most part.
Damn I am tired.