fighting

Saying No To Myself

Sometimes it’s good to say no to yourself and talk yourself out of things. Like last night at 3am I woke up and wanted candy corn so I went half asleep stumbling down the stairs to grab a handful. I felt guilty about it all day. It was my first cheat on my diet. I know it wont be my last but I realize it will happen again. I’ve been pretty good though.

Saying no to myself because of fear or anxiety is such a bad idea though. Every time I get nervous I want to not do something. For example I got a little nervous about going to lunch yesterday and today yet I went out both days. I decided my anxiety isn’t going to control me anymore.

Tomorrow night will be the true test when I go out to one of the Halloween events that are going on around Omaha. There are several and I am going to one no matter how hard it is. Even if it is the one I am familiar with. I have to keep moving forward. Life is short and I won’t say no to myself anymore.

Well unless it is about food. No sugar, no caffeine, no high fats…

Time to say yes to being in shape and being sexy and liking myself.

Time to say yes to going out and not caring what others think.

No more no….

Total Meltdown

After writing my blog yesterday I had settled down a bit so when hubby came home I warned him that he should not poke the bear. He managed to do pretty well and we relaxed and watch some TV and just kind of chilled. I was even laughing and talking. I thought the worst had past, so did hubby.

We went to bed and planned to watch an episode of a show but then he realized the time and said I can’t do it I need to sleep. I basically mumbled okay whatever, to which he replied something not sure what cause at that point I just started screaming my ass off at him and than started sobbing so hard that I was hiccupping like a kid who fell down. I cried so hard I almost threw up.

Then I started in accusing him of making me stressed out, not taking care of me, and even started yelling at him for our Vegas vacation stating that he won’t stick up for me if his mom wants to do stuff.  I was horrible.. Just horrible.  I sat there kind of watching myself doing these things, thinking man I am bat-shit crazy why are you doing this.

Eventually I calmed down and we sat and had a long talk about our fears and the mutual stresses we were sharing. He never talks to me cause he is afraid to stress me out more, but knowing he is stressed to is actually kind of calming to know I am not alone.

Today I found out we are definitely moving back to Omaha so I am happy about that and with my little mental break I think that I got rid of a lot of held in stress. I’m not happy today but I don’t feel like I want to hurt anyone either, so improvement!