I just keep worrying about everything. Tomorrow it is supposed to snow .5 to 2 inches and we have bald tires on the car and the next day we need to close on the house and it’s making my stomach hurt thinking about something messing up.
Originally I was just concerned about my social anxiety but now everrything has become a stressor. We’ve had everything set to be delivered in an orderly fashion. We’ve had things set to be set up as long as everything goes according to plan. One dominoe could fuck up the entire thing. UGH.
Why does my brain have to be like this? My husband is so flipping calm. I don’t know how he can be but he just doesn’t stress like me and it drives me bloody bananas.
Just one more day to go and hopefully everything will go ok. If it does I won’t be posting for a couple of days but I think that is a good enough reason to miss posting.
I feel like I am just hanging on the edge of breaking down. I feel so broken, little tiny minuscule cracks just waiting for that final tap to send me tinkling to the flow like the shards of crystal from a dropped wine glass. If I didn’t feel it so strongly I would feel like it is merely me waxing poetic. However it just hurts.
I have moments of clarity where happiness shines through. They are short and often followed by anger about everything in my life. Only my wonderful husband and my house being built keep me going each day.
I don’t know what to do with myself or what to be. I feel like it is going to be a very long 6 months and I’m not entirely sure if I will make it. I’m just taking it day by day hoping that nothing pushes me to the point where I completely freak out on someone or something.
One day I will sit down and write all the things that are irking me for now, I will just say in miss music. I hear it now and often cry because I can’t listen to it the way I did when I was in my own home. I hated that apartment but I was at least free to be me.
Today was boring, I did some cleaning, I did some laundry, I watched probably 10 episodes of pretty little liars and thought about nothing. It was nice! Wasn’t overly emotional. Not weepy, not sad, not anxious or mad.. Just kind of chill.
I started having a little anxiety after mom in law told me what time our hair appointment is on Thursday. It’ll be shrink, therapist, hair salon, busy day.. I’ll just chill tomorro and finish off pretty little liars season 4 and season 3 of revenge.. Ya, I like it.
It is hot here in SoCal. Really hot.. I am comfortable at about 68F anything above that is typically too warm for me. However I absolutely have needed to get out of the house. Which is honestly awesome. I have walked around a lot, went to brunch with hubby and just generally enjoyed the day. Things seemed to have hit a good spot (crosses fingers). I would like the calmness to continue.
By the time you are are reading this it will be my birthday. Hard to believe 13 years ago I had planned to end my life on this day. I am very glad I didn’t even if I have to struggle each and every day.
The sad thing is I realize that I live my life to be with my husband and need to become more independent. I am not sure how to do this though.
My husband talked to me about moving back to Omaha which really has a lot of pros, we would be able to get a better house, I am more willing to go out there. I would have family for holidays.
Here I basically have the weather.. Which seems to be a silly reason to stay here.. We’ll see what happens when he talks to his boss next week. I hate waiting to find these kinds of things out. Honestly though I want to be in a house at the end of the year. I need some stability. So here or there it’s gonna happen.
For some reason though despite the cold winters, hot summers and tornado season the idea of moving to Omaha kind of excites me.
I hate that I have nothing of value to write but I am keeping my promise to keep doing this every day! so woot