I still haven’t painted. I got all the things I need, I have instructional videos. Bob Ross has so many I can follow along with I’m just not motivated to do it and I’m also afraid of doing it. Pretty dumb huh? Oh well.
I don’t know why I decided to write today but I thought that I ought to check in and give a wassup. 😛
I haven’t been in the best of moods. Usually I have day after day of depression. Right now I am on 3mg of Rexulti and 300mg of Wellbutrin for my depression. I think I need something else in there but I’ll work that out on my next shrinks appt.
Oh and I dyed my hair dark pink. So that’s fun.
Anyhoo going to go now..
So apparently I’ve had this blog for 3 years. I really need to start writing more again.
I have been pretty self involved lately and have been doing things I want to. The amazing thing is I want to do things. I mean the want to do anything is amazing.
I haven’t done anything exciting and I’m almost ready to start doing some painting, just waiting for an easel that I purchased. I’m going to be trying painting with Bob Ross so for Christmas hubby let me get a bunch of new brushes and paints, I’m very excited but also very nervous about it, not sure why I am nervous but I just am.
I went a couple of weeks I think without weed, it was interesting. I find I can do fine either way.
I’ve been spending a lot of time with hubby too. Woot, love spending time with that man.
I know it, I suck. I have barely been posting this holiday season. I just haven’t felt like writing. I painted last night though. Me and the sister in law followed a Bob Ross Video and proceeded to try to repeat the process in acrylics. I think they both turned out pretty cool.
It was family night so mom in law was over too for a time and we got to chat and hang.
I got drunk last night, it was a mistake. Feel like crap today.
Giving up weed for a month again. Going to see if that helps with the brain at all. Mostly I’m concerned about the paranoia. I hope it’s the pot. Though I’ve been paranoid in the past and it’s all been me, so I’ll just have to wait and see. I know giving up weed during the holidays is asking for trouble but I’m tired of being the whacked out girl too. I just spent the last month high every single day from morning until bed. It’s crazy and it’s fucking expensive. My husband is supportive either way, which is awesome.
It’s remarkable because I didn’t realize how damn numb I was until I wasn’t anymore. I’m not sure what to do about feelings. I cry, I get jealous, I get angry, I laugh, I feel joy and I feel like I’m spinning, like my head just won’t focus on one thing for very long. You know those racing thoughts? I only got four hours of sleep last night because of them and a headache. I need my brain to slow down. I’m still not motivated to do much either. gah.
Because I am already upstairs on the computer I am going to write my blog today. If I had not been up here I would probably have not even bothered.
I woke up not sad. It was nice. Went for a walk around the block with my mom. Painted a little and now am doing this all because the TV sucks. Maybe I’ll watch some anime.
Hope ya’ll are having a good day.
I cancelled it for the most part. I called it off with my mom in law because she has been really negative lately and I need positivity around me when I am not feeling well.
I’ve played some games today just a bit at a time and am working on another painting. I should post some pics of some of my more recent paintings. I like to hear what people think and I know I am no artist so I don’t mind if people don’t like it.
I’ve been stressing about my shrink appt next week, then I finally said to myself.”Hey, it’s over a week, chill a little.”
I need to seriously chill and shut my brain up. It is constant and it is daunting.
I woke up this morning, sad as usual and dragging myself out of the comfort of dreaming.
Right now I have no idea how I am feeling. I am by myself and that always gives me a low gauge on my emotions. Interacting always brings out how I am actually feeling. Usually Jim brings out the best of me even if I am depressed.
On a good note I have gotten a lot done today.
- I got some painting done.
- I did a drawing.
- I cooked some sausage for dinner.
- I did some laundry.
- I put laundry away and tidied my room.
I think that puts me a little outside of depression but it’s only 3pm and I’m bored and lonely. Laundry takes a while to be done and do the rest. I ran out of paint and can’t work on my painting and dinner isn’t for a few hours to finish it. I think tomorrow I’ll start working out. Today I am gonna just watch some TV and wait for hubby to pick me up and take me to Michael’s and the house.
Moods are weird. Wish I could read them better.
Feels really good to be painting again. This is a painting I am working on right now and plan to hang in our guest room.
It feels so good to have paint all over my hands and clothes and be messy. This is my first time trying to paint something that is not weird but I am actually happy about how it turned out.
Today has been pretty good, played some games and painted and killed some time without whining. It was refreshing to feel like I had something to do with my day.
My mood is still up, not sure how long it will stay here but I will enjoy it while it last instead of asking myself each day when the bad will come. It’s counteractive, it’s basically just wishing the happy away.
I’m going shopping for some paints today and I will paint more tomorrow. I will be happy today and hopefully happy tomorrow.
I havent been able to sit still for two days. Today I was fortunate enough to get out of the house, hit some stores and visit the house. Yesterday I kept trying to find things around the house to do and was going fucking bonkers unable to find one thing to really do. I mean there was a lot to do, but nothing I could really sit down and do, I was way to antsy.
I hate when I am like this, it is the best time for me to create but as I said I am unable to paint anymore and my photoshop is on my computer in storage. I simply can’t yet get access to these things. I have all sorts of things packed. Jewellery making stuff, arts and crafts, computer stuff and more. All of which I have no access to. *sigh*
MIL is giving me even more of our stuff to put in out tiny little bedroom and it’s angering me. I feel so shoved off into the corner with no room to breathe.
Being able to breathe is important. Being able to live even more so. It doesn’t feel like I am doing either very well at the moment.
I want to find one of those spinning things that are in childrens parks and lay on my back and spin until I throw up, cause maybe then my brain will shut up and stop spinning on it’s own.
We went into the house tonight and the entire outer frame was done, you could see where everything is going to go. I took tons of pictures, it’s really exciting seeing how close the house is. I mean it still won’t be ready until February. Actually having the house actually seeing some action makes it more bearable.
Today my cold also felt a little better. I got some napping done. Other than that I got nothing done. I mean there isn’t much for me to do anyhow. Yet doing nothing makes me feel guilty.
I can’t paint in the dining room again until after thanksgiving and probably Christmas. It sucks. Jim says we can set something up in the bedroom for me. I hope so, not being able to paint for 2 months will suck.
Emotionally I’ve been stable. That’s a positive at least!
I’m obviously pretty stressed out. Having a home built. Living with my mother in law. Those are just a few of the things in my hefty load of stress.
My therapist said that I need to find something to de-stress myself. It’s hard. I have some games to play, i can paint and I like to play this thing called star something or other, it’s a karaoke game.I like singing, but then it makes me feel bad cause while I can get 3 stars on a lot of songs, I know I am not very good and it records you visually and audibly and it brings back those feelings of self-hate that I am trying so hard to fight.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like my insides are going to melt into acidic mush if I don’t find find something to do. I just wish I had the will, or the positive feels I were feeling last week. Some motivation would be nice but I’m tired and I’m stressed and I just don’t want to bother.
I even had a panic attack today at my therapy session. It sucked balls. This was after a xanax and a clonazepam. Ya I’m stressed.