life

After

It always seems like the day after I make some good accomplishments my brain decides to beat me up with all it’s negativity.

I hate my brain so damn much. I would trade it in a heart beat if I could still remember the people I loved.

My SIL invited me out tonight to a bar to meet with her new friend and some other friends. Not really in my comfort zone right now. Not with hubbies dad coming in tomorrow. ACK!

 

Umph

I got nothing to write.. oh I bet that makes the writers shudder. I mean I have nothing to write about.

Today I showered and cleaned the sheets and comforter for the bed so I got something accomplished.

Now I’m just stoned and watching Last Man Standing.

Purposely Didn’t Write

My alarm went off and instead of hitting snooze or writing the blog I just shut it off. I was hanging with my sis in law, drinking and listening to tunes. I was relaxed and didn’t want to get out of the zone.

I almost didn’t write today but I certainly don’t need that to become a habit.

Today has been good, visited with sis in law a little today and mom in law is spending the night. Tomorrow hubby comes home.!! Yay!

First Day Without Hubby

So far it hasn’t been so bad, tonight when I go to bed alone will really give me the feeling of aloneness.

My MIL came and brought dinner and is staying the night, she is so awesome to be spending the nights with me hubby is gone. It’s scary here alone.

I’ve kept myself in a general state of numbness all day and plan to mix and repeat again tomorrow. I’ll get through this one day at a time.

I’m an adult and can handle this. Wish I felt more like an adult.

Stressed Out

I’ve been kind of blocking the fact that hubby is leaving Monday for 5 days. Today he brought it up and now I’ve been obsessing about it. I’m so glad my mom in law is coming to stay with me. I don’t know that I could do 4 whole days with no outer contact. I was trying to listen to music but it seemed like every song that came on had something to do with missing someone. I got teary and shut the music off.

The new weed is not that great. It makes me over eat and makes me just want to lounge. I prefer something that keeps my body moving.. ah well.

I’m gonna go spend time with hubby while I can.

Husbands

Usually they mean well in everything they do, well the good ones anyhow. However my hubby thought it was a great idea to shut my blog alarm off before we watched the last of Supernatural.

So I did not post yesterday, I’m frustrated but really there is nothing you can do if you miss something. Just try to be more attentive to things.

Today I am feeling tired. I dunno why I slept my normal 10 hours. I am just super tired and bored.

I’m out of weed, not stopping, just out.  Which is also frustrating.

So I’m sleepy, frustrated and bored.

Sorry there is nothing interesting to read today.

 

Tired of Feeling Like Crap

I realize I haven’t been sick all that long or I’ve been sick for a very long time. It’s confusing. I have intestinal issues but I have IBS plus sometimes it just acts up when I am stressed. I find it very tiring non the less.

I’m trying to find a way out of the circle I’ve made for myself. Working on a painting. Hopefully that will give me a little boost when it’s done. Just trying to give myself a positive thing to do every day, even if it’s just a little.

I’m feeling less depressed today than I did yesterday though, which makes me semi-smile.

:}

 

Why I Haven’t Been Posting

As you may know my best friend died not too very long ago. Yet in the past two weeks I have also lost my 4 year old yorkie Ren and my Grandmother. 009

Ren was my baby. It was a tumor that came on suddenly and there was nothing anyone could do as it was interwoven with all her organs.  I loved that little girl so much. People who consider their animals their children can empathize with this I’m sure. It’s left a painful hole in my heart.

My Grandmother’s passing was not as much of a shock but it made me realize that if I don’t make some changes in my life I am going to have a lot of regrets. I haven’t seen a lot of my family in over 14 years, her included. All because I was too afraid to go through the steps that allowed me to enter Canada.

I have to renew my green card and when I do I am also going to make sure as hell that I can go over the border to see my family asap.

I have always been superstitious about the power of three.  This has only made it stronger. 3 females in my life dying from cancer within months and days of each other how can I not?

When the grieving stops, the healing and changes will begin.. wait and see.

Sorry I haven’t Been Posting

After my best friend died I really felt no want or need to write. I just kept myself in a self-medicated stupor hoping to forget that it had happened.  Am I still self-medicating? Yup! I’m not perfect and smoking a bowl helps me relax and clouds my mind from the pain. I’ll stop eventually.

I am feeling very frustrated about life in general. Some might think that it is glorious to not have a job and stay home all day. I’m not one of those people. I am so fucking bored. Which makes me miss my best friend even more dammit. I have no idea what to do with myself.

My pills have sucked at my creativity and I don’t drive. I’m afraid to go walking by myself and the closest I get to going out most days is sitting on the front porch. I need more. I want more. Both of those statements are equally true.

Anyhow I am seriously thinking about coming back to at least writing every day.. We’ll see..

The Miracle of Life

Lately I have been depressed as you know because my friend is dying. It’s taken most my energy to just get out of bed most days.  It’s getting a little better as I am trying to accept it. I can’t imagine what it will be like when she actually passes.

Yesterday I was reminded just how much a miracle life is. Really it was something so simple and you may even think it is dumb but it touched my heart. A little baby robin was sitting in this little pile of dirt just outside of our backdoor. We watched it as it kept flexing it’s wings and along came mama with a worm and fed her baby. I’d never seen this in real life. It just gave me an aww moment.

I should be reflecting on how for the most part my life is really good.

Losing your best and only friend should never have to happen though and I’m having a hard time with it. However I’m glad that I can still feel joy over the little things. It means there is hope.