hate-filled

Hello, Goodbye

That is how my brain is working right now. Hello, Goodbye. It’s a swift switch.

I’ll give some examples. I love scratch and wins but I could not bring myself to gleefully rub away at the puzzle. I actually put it aside. I’ve never done that before.

Next I was decided I really need to know what I need to be prepared for Lap band surgery and everything that goes with it. I put in the search for the info then just went meh.. I don’t care.

Luckily my bestie caught me the day before yesterday and talked me into making an appt. with a psychologist before things started going down here. So I have that set up for July 1st (Canada day woot) but that means we are going to have to push the drive to make it. Honestly I’m okay with that if I can start working on my mental health again. A little over a month. I hope I can survive.

I’m mostly tired and numb. The numb is what really gets to me though. Even going for my daily picture thing and writing my blogs is a chore. I love doing those things though. Even if I have horrible writers block I can usually come up with a poem, but now I am having to struggle.

When do I get to be happy? You know a constant state of normality where I can do things and enjoy things and just not go through this cycle.

If the shrinks were most concerned about the depression then the mania, I likely would have gotten in with the ECT doctors and gotten that started. I don’t know that I am ever going to trust any doctors, but we fucking need them don’t we. They can be as shitty as they want because they know we need them.

Fuck em.. fuck it.. fuck everything.. fuck!

My Smile Is Hidden From Me

I still plan to fight fight fight. I am starting to do things that I planned to do all along. I am writing my book and I am going to continue my blog and painting.

Though there is that scary anger that is often hidden just beyond the surface.  I can feel it there wanting to hurt someone. I haven’t felt it in a very long time and I want to plead with my husband to take the dogs and not come home or tie me up in the bedroom and just allow me enough room to use the facilities.  I bet he would if I asked him to, maybe I should ask him to.

I have no reason to be angry. My dog cried to be lifted up on the bed something that occurs daily and I often find cute. I screamed at him to shut the fuck up and closed them out of the room. I feel horrible which is just making me more angry. I am glad the windows and doors are sealed because I know it sounded like an insane person. I need to breathe and think.

This has been gone for a very long time I think my body realizes that it really has no meds in it except a tiny bit of a lithium and viibryd. I haven’t had to deal with this strong of an anger in a very long time. Hopefully it doesn’t last long because the things I have done in the past in anger still haunt me. They take away from the good person I try to be everyday. I want a hug and I want a punching bag and I want to place blame. The only person I can blame is myself. Apparently the lamictal did one little thing and that kept the she-hulk at bay.

My psychiatrist asked I would do therapy I said yes, yet there has been no attempt to connect me with one.. I would love one.. For now I have you guys. Hopefully just talking about it helps. If not I’ll have to look for other positive ways to deal.

It doesn’t help that I was having issues with sleep paralysis last night and it lasted over 4 minutes compared to the normal 30 seconds. Imagine being aware of yourself but unable to move at all, not even the flinch of a finger. I tried to rock my body back and forth nothing happened, my husband slept on peacefully unaware of what was happening to me.  I hate that shit..