Hello, Goodbye

That is how my brain is working right now. Hello, Goodbye. It’s a swift switch.

I’ll give some examples. I love scratch and wins but I could not bring myself to gleefully rub away at the puzzle. I actually put it aside. I’ve never done that before.

Next I was decided I really need to know what I need to be prepared for Lap band surgery and everything that goes with it. I put in the search for the info then just went meh.. I don’t care.

Luckily my bestie caught me the day before yesterday and talked me into making an appt. with a psychologist before things started going down here. So I have that set up for July 1st (Canada day woot) but that means we are going to have to push the drive to make it. Honestly I’m okay with that if I can start working on my mental health again. A little over a month. I hope I can survive.

I’m mostly tired and numb. The numb is what really gets to me though. Even going for my daily picture thing and writing my blogs is a chore. I love doing those things though. Even if I have horrible writers block I can usually come up with a poem, but now I am having to struggle.

When do I get to be happy? You know a constant state of normality where I can do things and enjoy things and just not go through this cycle.

If the shrinks were most concerned about the depression then the mania, I likely would have gotten in with the ECT doctors and gotten that started. I don’t know that I am ever going to trust any doctors, but we fucking need them don’t we. They can be as shitty as they want because they know we need them.

Fuck em.. fuck it.. fuck everything.. fuck!