self-medicate

After my best friend died I really felt no want or need to write. I just kept myself in a self-medicated stupor hoping to forget that it had happened. Am I still self-medicating? Yup! I’m not perfect and smoking a bowl helps me relax and clouds my mind from the pain. I’ll stop eventually.

I am feeling very frustrated about life in general. Some might think that it is glorious to not have a job and stay home all day. I’m not one of those people. I am so fucking bored. Which makes me miss my best friend even more dammit. I have no idea what to do with myself.

My pills have sucked at my creativity and I don’t drive. I’m afraid to go walking by myself and the closest I get to going out most days is sitting on the front porch. I need more. I want more. Both of those statements are equally true.

Anyhow I am seriously thinking about coming back to at least writing every day.. We’ll see..

I want to cry, I want to break down, I want to remove this fucking mask that I am wearing.

I’m tired of putting on a happy face so that people don’t realize that I am bat shit fucking crazy.

I thought about throwing myself down the stairs today, that would have been painful. Yet is seemed like a good idea. Obviously not good enough to go through with.

Tomorrow Jim will be at work and I’m afraid.

I’m afraid a lot these days. I drank three days in a row. I am not drinking today which is something. Each day, right?

4 days until therapy and likely a new round of pills, fingers crossed.