Yesterday after talking to my psychiatrist it made me rethink if I should go to the doctors tomorrow.

My shrink believes that my tummy troubles are because of the stress and anxiety that I and life have been putting myself under. I think she is right honestly.

The problem is the lack of motivation to eat. Now to be honest today has been better than it has been in a while. I might make 900 calories, 1000 if I have another shake before bed.  That may not seem like enough but I’m not over extending my energy so I am ok for now.

My shrink gave me pills for nausea which is one of my problems. If I can get past this and start enjoying food again it would be wonderful.

I’ll let you all know how it goes tomorrow whichever way I choose.

(still no weed by choice) I am considering giving up alcohol for good just so my meds can work to their full potential.

Does anyone else drink from time to time? I was drinking a couple bottles of wine once a week with my SIL.  I think I’m over it.

Depression Sucks

It takes all your motivation away. It leaves you feeling trapped with this horrific feeling of claustrophobia.

Now despite all this I went out for a Sunday drive. We have some really pretty areas around here and it was nice to get out of the house. It might have even helped a teeny tiny bit. Though it took me out of my comfort zone, it was likely a good thing.

Hubby says I should just do things I don’t want to do. I don’t have a feeling of not wanting to do anything. It’s more of I can’t find anything to do. Maybe he’s right who knows.

I’m avoiding sad things as much as I can because I feel like if I were to start crying it would just turn into an endless cascade of tears.

I’m considering giving up weed. Being high every day is starting to be the only way I can feel normal and it’s not keeping the depression at bay the way it used to.  I’ll think about it before I get anymore I guess.

A Little Breakdown

Tonight I talked with my daughter. She again has been dumped by the asshole who she keeps being screwed over with.

I hate that he keeps hurting her. She also informed me that she had been basically been welling herself for drugs. Though she has been clean for 3 months.

I told her if she goes back to this man I will need to stop talking to her. She is mentally unstable and I don’t want to abandon her but she is such a trigger for me.

After the call I wanted to kill myself and felt so guilty and heartbroken for the ways she had turned out. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I started drinking until hubby took the wine away from me. I wasn’t being very smart with taking cold medicine and Xanax and alcohol.

It was a hard day, eventually hubby was able to calm me back down but it made me realize that I might need cut her out of this continues just for my own sanity.

I hope she takes my advice and moves to a new Provence far away from that man and starts a new life, cause this just doesn’t work.

Today I Feel

Today I have feelings, I am not over happy or super depressed. I am however super moody. I laugh, cry or get pissed at the drop of a hat. I hate that, usually because I am so sensitive to things that are going on around me.

I talked to my daughter today on the phone. She is having a really hard time. There was a boy whom she loved very much, he used her and kept her by promising her he just needed time to figure things out. Meanwhile he kept having other relationships and coming to her for booty calls. She’s had a lot of problems, she suffers from depression, (had) given up drugs, lost my grand-daughter. I’m okay with that happening. She got adopted by a great family from what I heard. I never met her face to face but that is probably best for my heart.

I found out today that he is still attempting to ‘get with’ her and that she has started with the drugs again. I also found out that he had laid his hands on her. I have never wished that I some kind of super power to blow his dick right off.. I am so furious. I can’t do anything but be her sounding board and give her advice, but I so wish I was there to support her. She is going to a therapist tomorrow though to see about going into rehab. I know that it is not easy for her to even admit that she makes these mistakes. So I am proud of her. I am sure a lot of people would just think she just needs to get over this guy. I know that it’s not that easy.

On top of that my daughter saw my father this past week. I haven’t spoken to him in quite some time and honestly after hearing the things he said to her I am glad. What kind of man talks about his erectile dysfunction to their grandchild? No wonder no one has anything to do with him anymore.

I don’t have a belief system, so if someone who has one could say a prayer for her I would greatly appreciate it. Anything can help at this point really.