disassociative

Nervous? Maybe.

The doctor doesn’t want me taking clonazepam before my treatments so I didn’t take any today. It was hard but I managed to go to the grocery store unmedicated.

Mostly I felt disassociated. You know that wonderful sense of unreality. It get worse as my depression gets worse and I fucking hate it. Feels like I am tripping balls when I am on nothing at all. I have to constantly ask someone if they are seeing or hearing what I am.

The depression is pretty bad right now. I suppose that should be a good thing since they are going to be treating me for it. I’ll get a true gauge of improvement.

I’m tired, I’m sore, I’m paranoid, I’m withdrawn and I’m hopefully going to get fix. That’s going to keep me going for now.

I missed my last therapy session even though I love my therapist, this week I am thinking of skipping again, it just seems to require so much energy and I don’t feel like putting on a face for my mom in law.

Maybe next week.

I Feel Weird

I’m not super happy, I am not depressed. I can’t really explain the way I am feeling.

I’m smiling at things, I’m frowning at things. It’s weird. I hope this isn’t what normal feels like cause I won’t be having any of that.

I am still tired. I can not get enough sleep. Tons of REM, very little of anything else.

I need to go out today. I want to show an adventure with my pictures when I go out. Gotta keep up with the BFF 😛

I don’t think this is normal cause it feels almost numb, I guess that would be closer to depression that anything. Blech is a good descriptive word.

Definitely having some disassociation going on. Maybe that is the full problem. The feeling that I am watching everything from the outside in. ..

I want to run.. like just leave and run and run and run.. sitting still just isn’t going very well for me right now.. Everyday it gets worse. I know it’s because I want to leave and go home to Omaha. It will get worse. Until I am like a kid who has had to much sugar.

God I wish I wasn’t so fucking fat so I could run and not worry about killing myself.. okay now I’m getting pissed off.. moods I tell ya