Despite Being Depressed

I am getting out of bed and not just sitting there in regret and despair. I want to, don’t get me wrong but I’m not going to let myself do that to me. Know what I mean?

I’m writing my blog which is something that I haven’t felt motivated to do. I’m getting dressed instead of sitting around in my jammies all day. I’m still cooking meals every day and working on my weight loss. I’m getting involved in things to do with hubby. I am just not letting the depression control me. At least not completely.

I am sleeping until almost noon every day because I’d rather be in a dream world than the real world. I’m working on it though. I hope to be getting back up at 10am soon. Hopefully.

Thanksigiving Drunk

Happy Thankgiving. I’mn drunk but havent told anyone off, so that’s a bonus. Gonna keep it short because no one needs to listen to the ramblings of a drunk. Yet I hope you all had a wonderful day with your family.

I Can’t Control Anything

Tomorrow my husband is going to be heading back to Omaha until Friday. I hate it when he leaves me. I hate it when he leaves. I worry about the flight, I worry about the roads cause it is actually winter there. I worry about the stress he has to endure. I probably won’t sleep until he gets back home. I am already not sleeping well because of the change of having my family here.

I go back and forth on the whole thing, it is nice to have someone to talk to when they are at the apartment but then again I had not realized just how used to be alone I have come. This morning crawling back into bed then having a shower singing at the top of my lungs made me happy for a few minutes. My mood is mostly just kind of weird. I’m not happy, I’m not meh, I’m somewhere in the middle, but feel depression’s head licking at my brain.

I usually get hit pretty hard when hubby leaves. I am hoping my family being here will make it easier.. could they make it harder? maybe, who knows. We are all stubborn, vocal, non-censoring women.

One of the plus’s that happened today is I finally made a appointment with a regular doctor so I can get a referral so the LA bipolar specialist. I think I am gonna find out I am a lot more fucked up then I previously believed.

Knowing things about myself that I didn’t previously understand might get me the proper treatment, or it might make me hate myself more.. If that is even possible. I dunno..

Even my daughter who I wish I could protect I can’t help but to be there and talk occasionally.. frustrating..

I feel like I am always in a stressful situations and that it is never going to settle down.. if it was going to start, something new would just pop up.. maybe I need therapy.. who knows..

I was actually upset to see that people weren’t reading the blog then once again remembered that it is for me and not for anyone else. Which means I can write completely nonsense if I want..

Flerrrgl gerrrll peeeeetr fooppoe