I almost forgot to post today. Hubby and I sat down and binge watched the entire second season of the magicians. I’m counting this as writing today because I haven’t gone to bed yet.
Today was another okay day, with hints of blah. I again didn’t sleep very well. Going to have to talk to my shrink about it, she will likely suggest tarazadone (sp?) an antidepressant that actually helps you sleep. We have had to do that in the past. Still haven’t heard back on whether the appeal has been accepted or not. I hate waiting for other people to do things that might end up being beneficial to me.
I don’t have much else to say. I’m going to go crawl into bed and hope to sleep tonight. I’m not sure I’ll be able to as I got a couple hours sleep this afternoon, but keep your fingers crossed.
Today I have been mostly just Okay with the occasional spot of happiness. I like that. I think I would feel even better if I could get some decent sleep. I keep waking up constantly through the night and then having a problem falling back asleep.
I’ve always had a hard time with sleeping. I can nap pretty well but a full nights sleep doesn’t happen all that often. I think it has to do with my meds to be honest.
Last night was really weird because I woke up to go to the washroom and accidentally knocked over something with liquid in it on the back of the toilet and didn’t realize it happened. The dogs started barking and I heard this weird sound and hubby sprang out of bed to check the doors. I figured out where it was coming from but not what it was for a couple minutes. That definitely got the adrenaline going. Took a long while to go to sleep after that.
I did put away some things today which honestly getting anything done is a bloody miracle. I am writing my blog too, so my days feel like I am accomplishing something. I’m glad I decided to do this.
It’s so weird waking up multiple days in a row and feeling ok. I’m happy with okay, it’s better than depression any day.
Today I woke up listened to my favorite song (it’s not my time by 3 doors down) and thought about how much I love animals. This Christmas I donated to both the ASPCA and the Nebraska Humane Society. I’d like to do more but we’re not rich. If I was though I would be helping a lot more animals protection agencies. So I lay in bed daydreaming about animals being safe from the cruelty of the world. It made me feel good that I have helped some. I would love to adopt another dog if they allowed us to own 3 in our county. I love my two fur babies so much!
It was my moms birthday today and I had a long conversation with her where I actually talked some instead of just say yeah, mm yeah.. Which is what I tend to do when I am depressed. That makes me feel well, happy I suppose would be the word. Though I hate to jinx myself.
Anyhow that’s what I have to say for today.
Today I woke up on the almost right side of the bed. I wanted to engage in activities and didn’t nap. I had a wonderful conversation with my husband and was able to participate instead of just yeahing when he said something. Like I said a better day. I hope that my brain continues to go into that direction.
Sadly I can’t think of a thing to write about though. My brain is drawing a blank. Don’t you hate that?
I’ll write more later if something pops in my head.
I hate it when I cycle down to depression. It’s not fair I don’t get the hypo mania anymore. I don’t get the mania mania either, which is a good thing. Feels like I’m not bipolar but just depressed now. I wonder if that can happen. I’ll have to talk to my shrink about it, but I don’t see her for another two weeks.
My husband thinks he has a way to get my rexulti approved, apparently some of the meds I have taken weren’t listed and also you have to show that the rexulti has been taken for a while and is working. It has been I know I’m going to be having ups and downs but I do want more ups then downs and it seemed like it was going that way. I hate the depression it makes me feel quite hopeless. I’m going to keep to my new years resolutions regardless though. I can’t let Dani down.
I can’t let myself down either. I got to keep trucking on.
Daily bog written.
I hate it that I feel like my pills are making a difference when today I feel like my world is collapsing. No reason for it but I sure feel like it’s been lasting forever. I hate that one day can drag me down so much. I did manage to cook breakfast and I am hoping like hell to have a shower today but I just feel like curling up and crying. There is only one problem, I haven’t been able to cry over anything in a couple of years it feel like. I could be slightly off, but I don’t know. A good cry would sure make me feel better I’m sure. Time to watch something that usually makes me cry. Maybe some animated Beauty and the Beast or maybe Iron Giant. I don’t know.. Maybe I should just run into the wall a bunch of times.
I hate the depression so much it just sucks the life out of me. If it wasn’t for my promise to Dani I don’t think that I would be even posting my blog.
Today I woke up and decided that I just wanted to listen to music for a little bit. Four hours later my husband is asking me what I want for dinner and I’m shocked that so much time had passed. I didn’t think I could enjoy music just as much not stoned as stoned but today proved me wrong. I had the same relaxing feeling of just laying back and listening to my favorite tunes and dozing. hehe.
Not much else happened today but I did say I would write my blog every day.
So today I talked to my shrink and the insurance company denied my rexulti so we need to press forward and try to get it handled. I hope they do since the med actually helps! I am almost out of pills so my shrink gave me some samples and then I went out to lunch with hubby. I ate a good lowish carb meal and tried to interact somewhat with the waitress. Pretty good since I am feeling like crap and didn’t even want to go out. When hubby asked me originally I said no but then I remembered that I want to do the things Dani would have challenged me to do if she were still alive.
That’s about it for today!
The new insurance company is giving us a hassle about the Rexulti I take and to pay for it out of pocket would be 900 dollars a month. This mixture of meds that my doc has me on is finally working, I don’t want to have to change it. I’m so pissed off right now. I’m down to 3 pills and I’m waiting for my shrink to get back to me about samples or getting the meds approved. I hate waiting and especially when things are this close to being out. I don’t know what the withdrawal symptoms will be but I know just going off a med it a bad idea. We’ve all done it.
Other than that stress my mood is pretty good. I haven’t been smoking any weed and just living each day. I haven’t quit I just wanted to make sure that I am getting the most of of my medications. In Feb I’ll start smoking again and see if that effects how my mood is. If it turns out to be a bad thing I’ll just quit. I mean I managed to make it through the holidays without weed or alcohol so I imagine I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Though there is nothing like smoking some weed putting on the headphones and just chilling. I tried it without the weed and it was still good but I enjoy it more with.
Anyhow that’s it for today!
Well now it’s my second day of writing on my blog again. Finding stuff to talk about might be difficult but I am going to try.
My mood has improved over the last while. I think the mixture the doctor gave me is finally working. Though my insurance company is giving me grief about the rexulti so it should be interesting how I’m going to be continuing to take it, I hate to play full price or have to depend on samples. I hate it when things are out of my hands. I’ll know in the next few days.
Otherwise I’m excited to see what this year brings. Now if it wasn’t so damned cold. I don’t think I could get my hubby to go out let alone go out myself as I don’t have a winter jacket. Time to shop on amazon and get a coat I guess.
I’ll be back tomorrow.