Day 1 Down

I made it through the first day. We had our meeting and signed some papers and I even went out for lunch afterwards. It wasn’t as big a deal as my brain made it at all. Does that mean that I am any less freaked out about tomorrow? Nope! My brain just doesn’t work that way.

I am gonna sleep for a week when this is all done. I had to nap today after two nights of crappy sleep and I fully expect that I won’t sleep well tonight either. I’m sore from being tense all the time.

Not sure on my mood, I honestly had two xanax and a clonezapam for breakfast so I’m feeling pretty mellow. Whatcha gonna do.


Today Has Been Toturous

I didn’t sleep very well last night, I wasn’t able to get past REM before I would be woken up by something or somebody.  Then all today I had bottom issues. The stress of tomorrow and Thursday is really playing havoc on my body.

I’m so fucking stressed I seldom have a moment where I can relax.

I hate things that you HAVE TO DO!

I had forgotten just how bad my anxiety could get until this past week. At least it is keeping my mind off the depression which is still rearing it’s ugly head.


Sleep where art thou

Last night I got a whole 3 hours sleep. 4 the night before. Isn’t it interesting when you are slightly manic that you need no sleep? I adore sleep though, my dreams are so wonderful. A side effect of my meds also give me insomnia. Staying up till all hours while my husband is tucked snoring away frustrates the heck out of me.  I’ve tried sleep aids, Ambien was the absolute worse, it gave me sleep paralysis. I had never heard of it and wish I had never experienced it.  So utterly terrifying not be able to move or speak at all. I think the Ambien glitched something in my brain because when I get exhausted it still happens.

In my dreams I can do anything. I am working on accomplishing that in Real Life but after being housebound for the better part of 20ish years the steps are slow. Taking the dogs to around the block is a huge undertaking and makes me very proud of myself.  I want to be able to go out and eat and play.. One of my main goals is to go to Disneyland.

I live in California and it’s like 30 mins away! The one bad thing about California at least in the area I live in, there are tons of skinny young woman. I’m going to be 45 this year and am overweight and feel so self conscious, it makes it harder for me to go out.  I just picture them making fun of me. I suppose that would make me vain to think they would care but I can’t help it. Anyhow I think I blathered on enough today!