anxiety

Lots O Things

Today is the birthday of my BFF. She’s been dead for over a year so when her birthday comes up it hurts a lot. I miss her so much. She really knew how to motivate me.

MY visit with my mom is going OK even though I feel like I am coming down with a cold or something.

Saturday we are having a paint and wine night. That should be fun 🙂

Still taking my new meds even though the insurance company denied my prescription I will have to rely on samples I guess until we switch insurance companies at the top of the year.

Well that’s it, nothing exciting.

Forgot to mention I am non-stop anxious. Fun fun.

 

Still Depressed

Went and got my hopes up again yesterday.  I woke up feeling just as crappy today as I have every other day but with less stress. I should feel happy about that at least but nope. I’m fucking miserable.

M I S E R A B L E

fuck.

 

 

Day 2 Done

I Did it!!!! I made it through both days without anything horrible happening.  I’m so glad that is over with. I even went out to lunch with hubby after like a normal person. I will finally be able to relax and not have to worry about anything for a while. They even updated my permanent resident card so I have a valid ID until my new one comes in.

I’m very thankful right now. For the people in my life. The wonderful readers who read my blog and just for being generally healthy.

It’s a nice change from sad and angry and stressed. I think that I will just enjoy the rest of the day without worrying about anything else.

 

Day 1 Down

I made it through the first day. We had our meeting and signed some papers and I even went out for lunch afterwards. It wasn’t as big a deal as my brain made it at all. Does that mean that I am any less freaked out about tomorrow? Nope! My brain just doesn’t work that way.

I am gonna sleep for a week when this is all done. I had to nap today after two nights of crappy sleep and I fully expect that I won’t sleep well tonight either. I’m sore from being tense all the time.

Not sure on my mood, I honestly had two xanax and a clonezapam for breakfast so I’m feeling pretty mellow. Whatcha gonna do.

 

Today Has Been Toturous

I didn’t sleep very well last night, I wasn’t able to get past REM before I would be woken up by something or somebody.  Then all today I had bottom issues. The stress of tomorrow and Thursday is really playing havoc on my body.

I’m so fucking stressed I seldom have a moment where I can relax.

I hate things that you HAVE TO DO!

I had forgotten just how bad my anxiety could get until this past week. At least it is keeping my mind off the depression which is still rearing it’s ugly head.

Blech.

Tummy Trouble

My tummy has been acting up all day. I hate that I don’t feel well when I have to go out Weds and Thurs.  Plus I am so stressed out. My mood has been meh. Not bad but not good. Feeling like crap definitely doesn’t help. I don’t know how much of it is in my head where I’m stressing out or what’s real. Between that and the hot flashes it’s just unbearable.

I did go out with hubby to pick up food today so that is my daily accomplishment. Feeling bad and going out willingly is still a lot different than having to go out unwillingly. I’m so dreading going out this week. I’m having nightmares every night. I hate my brain so much.

 

Missed Nothing

I forgot to write my blog yesterday because I was watching a show when my alarm went off and thought for sure I would remember later.. I did not.

Yesterday I was pretty miserable. Today I am just highly anxious about next week. Listening to my crush sing for a while helped a little though. Made me stop thinking for a bit. Every time I want a little pick me up I watch the videos on YouTube and it gives me a tiny lift if I am not at rock bottom.  Maybe this means I’m on the way to an upswing. *fingers crossed*

I did try to nap today though but it was because of the anxiety, not the depression. Was not successful my brain just never shuts up.

Next week I have to go and sign the papers that sell our old home and I have to go to the INS for my new permanent resident. I rarely go out and when I do I usually prefer not to be where people are, but I have to go to both of these things and I have to interact. Terrifying I tell ya. I just have to remember that my anti-nausea meds and mint gum are my best friends in those situations.

Music sounds good today, that’s a really good sign.  I’m afraid to hope though.

Should be Happy

I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful home. I want for nothing. I’m so miserable it’s giving me headaches and body aches. I find it difficult to smile or be involved in anything. I’m easily overwhelmed and just feel horrible.

I am lucky to have someone who supports me and wants to be happy but I wish I could be better for him and I feel guilty that I don’t feel better.

Life sucks right now.

 

I’m Miserable

I’m miserable. I’m sad, I’m anxious. I’m overwhelmed, I’m weepy. I’m grumpy and I’m so depressed it’s really taking a lot out of me.

There, blog posted.

 

On The Upswing

I think I’m on an upswing. Not 100% sure because really what does normal feel like anyhow? It’s not like it is something I am used to.

I am being more active in things. Playing games and walking to catch Pokemon. Yesterday I spent hours watching a new anime. So hopefully that means that things are going to pick up.

I’ve made a decision that I am going to go on a road trip with my SiL and mom when my mom comes down from Canada to visit. We’re going to head to Denver and do some exploring and other fun things. It will be strange to do things without hubby but I think it’s going to be fun. I’m not gonna change my mind on this.  So now I am really looking forward to October.

Can I do normal things? We shall see.