Things Are Just Weird

Nothing feels right. The whole world feels kind of like a rally stupid movie that I am not rally a part of.

Things are not turning out like I had planned. We are in our third week here and all we’ve done is sort of pick things out for a house we are going to be moving into in 6-7 months time.

I thought come Halloween we would be settled into some cut little house with a fenced yard and be starting to decorate.

I’m glad we are having a house built for us, but at the same time I feel a lot of disconcerntment. I am used to a lot of time alone with my husband and now I get pretty much zero unless we leave the house or are in the bedroom.

I am even missing my computer at least then I would be distracted, maybe we can get them out of storage. I’ll ask Jim. Something’s got to give and I prefer it not be me.

I had to give up the beta blockers because apparently it was helping this depressive state get down right unbearable. Like depression is ever bearable but I could barely move last night or today. Right now I still want to curl up and hide.

I’m not going to though. At least not today. Tomorrow may be different, who knows.

It’s so hard to believe that I am looking forward to someone shocking my brain even at the risk of losing some potential memories just to not feel like this anymore. I can’t wait though. Time needs to move at a better pace.