Which I thought was wonderful. He tries very hard to understand everything he can about my illness.  I wish that he had an outlet but when he went to the spousal support boards he found them to be more negative then positive. I went to check it out because I thought maybe he was exaggerating because he didn’t want to use it, but it really was a bit of a downer.  It seemed every other post was about someone leaving their bipolar partner or having to deal with their infidelity.

For those people that kind of support may work, however for someone like my husband he needs a place where he can rant but not be told how much better his life would be without me.  So if anyone has any suggestions I would love to pass them on to him.  I know dealing with me is very hard on him as he is a fixer. I may have mentioned that before I think. He always wants to be able to make me feel better, when I am depressed it is really hard on him as well as me because there is really little he can do but occasionally make me laugh or smile. Which honestly is something wondrous in of itself.

I wish he could talk to me about me, but since I have such a fragile ego I don’t think it would be helpful to either of us. As it is my self esteem is pretty much non-existent no matter how many times he tells me how beautiful or smart or wonderful he finds me. Which also drives him bonkers and gets him frustrated.

Couples therapy obviously won’t work cause our relationship is strong but he already hears everything I think and feeling and I think he needs his own private time to deal with stuff.  Which honestly also scares the hell out of me. What if he sees someone who suggests he leaves me, what if he meets someone at an online support group and they fall madly in love and he leaves me.. ugh.. You see a theme here?  Ya and he even knows that I am writing that and says.. that’s your bipolar brain talking.. Which he is right he knows how it works.

So I need to think about this less selfishly and hopefully find him some kind of support..