medication

I was watching this movie last night when I couldn’t sleep. It had Steve Carrel and Keira Knightly in it, and was labeled as a comedy. In the movie the end of days draws near as there is a comet was going to crash into the earth. It was really good, as I said it’s listed as a comedy but I would say it is that loosely.

It made me wonder what I would do with myself if the end of the world was coming. Would anything change? If things changed wouldn’t I want to live right now like any moment could be the end of my life? Something to seriously consider that is for sure.

Even knowing I should live everyday like it will be my last really doesn’t change my urgency for getting treatment and living life. Sure I have an appointment with a new shrink/group of shrinks but I don’t know how that will go. Will they listen to me about wanting the ECT. There are truly no more antidepressants for me to try. I’m afraid they will want to start me on a new pill cycle and frankly nothing good ever comes from it.

I plan on seeing a psychotherapist when I get back to Omaha. I never thought that it would do me any good but just from talking to and reading other bloggers it makes me feel like I can benefit from it. As well as the socialization that I need. I’ve been writing for almost 70 days and feel like I am part of a community and not as alone as I was when I started. It’s remarkable.

I wondered why anyone would want to read my blog and then thought to myself why do I want to read others blogs. Well because we don’t want to feel alone. Even if a there are some of us that choose to be shut off from humanity we still need to feel part of something.

Were I able to stop constantly living in fear of things I might even enjoy life more. The depression won’t lift on it’s own but maybe I can shine a little light on it when the darkness of it gets suffocating. I just need to remember we only have one life and we should make the most of it. I need to adopt a who cares attitude about the people who walk past me or look at me and don’t know me. If they judge harshly they are the ones that are missing out.

I do know without a doubt that spending my last days with the man I love doesn’t even change in a scenario that only leaves me with days on earth. I think I would only want more time with him. We need to win the lottery!

How would you live if you knew the end of the world was coming?

I used to be a highly sexualized woman. I admit some of that is from the mania. I’ve had more partners than I’d like to admit honestly. When hubby and I first got married we were like bunnies. Several times a day every day of the week. I mean this is fairly normal I think for newlyweds and we were like this for several years until they started medicating me.

My husband is 7 years my junior and is for some reason still attracted to me and is as eager to have sex as from day one. (I don’t think he could keep up now though lol)

The thing that frustrates me is that I enjoy sex while I am having it, but I don’t have the drive I once had. Once again if they would prescribe me some MM, that would change. The medications have almost completely killed my drive. It seems like such an effort to even bother and my husband will inevitably walk around for a couple to a few weeks with blue balls until I am able to satisfy his needs.

I hate that the things that are supposed to help us get rid of our crazy are the very things that mute as persons. It has stopped me from enjoying my life. The depression is the worse it has ever been and there doesn’t seem to be a bright light in site.

I long for the days when I would dress up in lingerie awaiting my man to walk in the door so I could jump his bones. Does anyone else have these issues?