I woke up today kind of sad.. dunno why. As the day went on and I had more alcohol I realized that I am not nor ever was my moms favorite.

She treats me great but this morning she went out with my sister for two and a half hours. They have their cute little inside jokes and I kind of feel like an outsider.  Looks and giggles. Just made me sad and uncomfortable. I know I have been gone for 13 years but it just seems so weird, I don’t remember ever feeling that comfortable with mom. last two visits she was here we just spent most of the time stoned.

Don’t Judge it helps with the depression.

A little while ago mom was asking where the closest beach was and then said to my sister..  Jo we can walk to the beach tomorrow.. Not ‘we’ but we as in her and Jo. I know I shouldn’t feel sad or jealous. However my mom was more easy going when she had my youngest sisters. They are about 20 years my junior, different dad, etc.

I need to learn to be more patient with my mom. I suppose I could be forthright with her but I don’t think that would go over well..

Blech