music

Music Really

It always amazes me just how much music can lift my mood. A few 80’s songs in the car and even if I am depressed I start singing along with it.

Today my mood was somewhat better. I was kind of in a meh zone. However tonight I turned on my tunes and played one of my games and zoned everything out and I started to feel more positive. The longer I listened though the more I wanted to sing my lungs out.

I grabbed my iphone and usb speaker and hopped in the shower and turned those tunes up even louder and sang my brains out.

I feel like I’ve sat through a couple of therapy sessions. It feels wonderful. I need to remember that before I had a home where I listened to music every single day. Every single day.

Now I live mostly without music and it is apparently affecting my moods as well as everything else that is going on. I need to remember that I will perk up if I am listening to my tunes. Maybe it won’t completely pull me out of a depression but it will help.

When A Kid Can Be a Kid

Today I decided to write on a lighter note. I was thinking about when I was younger before I went all crazy. I thought I would list some of the things I loved to do as a kid. Maybe you would like to think about this yourself, we all have some good memories, even if we are haunted by the bad.

Favorite Games:

The Floor Is Lava!: The funny thing about this is I thought me and my sister had created this game. However it seems to be a game that many kids had created or been taught. Interesting though.

Marbles:  Marbles was so much fun for me because little did I know it covered a couple of my needs, collecting and gambling lol.

Freeze Tag: I loved this game. Actually any game of tag really. The thrill of being chased.

Favorite TV Shows:

Electra Woman and Dina Girl : I actually have a dvd of this and watching it now I realize just how cheesy it was, but still adore it! I remember me and my sister would tuck our t-shirts into our underwear and pretend to be them!

H.R. Pufnstuf : Again I own this still and am not sure what I liked about it, though it still makes me giggle.

Wonder Woman: Sense a theme here? I did and will always love Wonder Woman.  I was a naughty girl who stole a giant comic book about her from the school because the library wouldn’t let me take it out anymore.

Favorite Sport(s):

Gymnastics: This was my favorite thing to do in the world, I did flips and cartwheels all over the place instead of walking, hehe. I did this for 9 years and it kept me happy and focused while I did it.

Track and Field: I’m short, and have always been but that never stopped me from doing long jumps, high jumps and hurdles when I was a kid.

Favorite Season:

Autumn: Has and always will be. I know a lot of kids liked Christmas but I loved Halloween more. (still do!) Plus I loved the smells and the cool rains. The crispness of the air. I never liked being too warm.

Favorite Song(s):

Billy Don’t be a Hero : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cdFuMgMkBM

Da Doo Run Run : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dj7nQ14iFwU

Beth : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uABnCLr4Pp0&feature=kp

Favorite Place To Be:

This one is so easy. Outside!! Most kids when I was young, never wanted to be home. We didn’t have computers or Ipads and cell phones. In fact you had to call a landline and we could listen to each others calls without anyone knowing lol. I was outside as long as I was allowed. Even in the cold of winter I loved being out and playing in the snow.

What kind of good memories do you have as a kid?

 

 

 

I Have No Shame

Mood: Hopeful

It’s so funny to realize that the bipolar person in us really can bring about the very person we want to be sometimes. I am a little shy and reserved even with my husband. I love to sing and dance, but often do it quietly or when he can’t see me. I have been so overwhelmed by the urge to move to music I have actually just sort of cried out.

Then there are the times when I am my other self and the confidence rises. I sing at the top of my lungs, I move and dance like a crazy person.. Some good examples of this are when I do things where I am usually most uncomfortable .. Running man on a public beach, disco fever in front of the video camera in the building where I live. I mean I know the security guard is watching but at that time I don’t care. Plus it makes hubby laugh and blush. A grown man blushing is something truly beautiful.

When I am my shy self, I keep my head down when I see people, or turn up this polite pinched smile that seems like more of a grimace. However when I am my other self, I am vibrant and flirty and funny and I don’t care at all what anyone thinks, I meet people with a big ass grin and will talk my head off to anyone who bothers to listen.

I will bound around the room butt-naked and act like a gorilla which to this day makes me husband smile and makes me blush all the way to my toes, but that’s just how you are in that moment, completely different.

I suppose it is very bad to want to keep a part of my illness but if I could get rid of all of it and keep just one thing I suppose it would be this.  After a lifetime of people telling me I’m not good enough, I’m not attractive enough, my singing voice is awful.. It would be nice to not really care what anyone thinks.

A great example of this is today I took my dogs to the dog park and a woman was there with her pitbull. Now my puppies are a 9 pound yorkie Monkey and an 11 pound malti-poo Charlie both around 2 years of age. Monkey acts like a little old woman afraid of anything and not willing to play at all. Charlie is a talker, *growl* chase me, *bark* chase me.. come on chase me.. Now this pit bull wanted to play but as soon as he started to chase Charlie, Charlie started screaming like someone was kicking him when in fact he hasn’t even been touched at all. His talking is usually embarrassing enough for me. This however was humiliating for me. Admitted I should have been concerned about my dog, but I know he is a chicken at heart, he’s very much a momma’s boy and would be totally happy if it was just him and his sister.  I’m not the only one that needs exposure therapy. *on a side note, if you are agoraphobic you might want to consider a cat so they don’t end up as messed up as you are*.

If I had of been in my better state of mine I would have laughed it off and it wouldn’t have bothered me at all. Hours later it is still bothering me now. I hate it.. HATE IT!

It makes me want to go off my meds without any alternative treatment, I want to do it so badly. I just have to remember all the bad that comes with it as opposed to the good. Bad>Good! Ugh