self hatred

A Blog For Writing – Man I’m Manic

I think I might need to start a new blog just for posting the writing challenges. While I am writing about things in my life I want to keep the focus on my daily life. I’ve felt creative lately though and adore challenges.

I’ve been very manic the last few days, not in a good way either. An example of this is last night I was craving cookies and corn chips. Now when I say corn chips I mean Frito Lay corn chips. My husband was kind enough to set off to the store and get me some snacks, he is such a sweety. However he came home with some regular nacho chips. Which he insisted were corn chips. Technically I suppose so, but his reasoning was not enough for me not to go off on a screaming rant about what real corn chips were. I swear if any overheard they would think I was crazy. I was furious. We each went off into separate rooms.

Once I sat down I realize I was manic and needed to apologize but I knew if I walked back into the computer room at that moment I would just go off on him again. So I sent a text apologizing and just chilled for about 30 mins or so to calm down.

The positive thing about it is I realized what was going on and removed my self from the situation. The bad thing is I insulted the love of my life, who had just done me a favor. I hate the guilt but I damn well deserve it 😦

Functioning Bipolar?

I noticed that I take horrible care of myself probably about 85% of the time.. I eat poorly, don’t exercise as much as I should. Sometimes I don’t shower for a week. Forget to brush my teeth.. honestly I make myself sick. I pick at things until they fester, constantly pick pick.. Especially if it is a hair that doesn’t belong.. just one can send me into a picking spiral. I find hair gross, but holes grosser. I leave the house in total mess. Seriously the one thing I could do would be to be a good housewife but nope. I’m not lazy, don’t get me wrong I just can’t look after myself. I look at it and get so overwhelmed.

Eventually I hit mania and everything sparkles including me, I start wearing makeup and styling my hair.  But in that time,  I am even horrible at taking my medications. I always seem to forget a couple/few times a week to take them. I think this is one of the reasons ECT would work for me as opposed to drugs. I imagine therapy would be good as well. I have managed to avoid it until now, but I realized while starting to talk to and read other bipolars post that maybe I don’t have to be so shut off from everything. If I can learn to cope and find my triggers.

I can’t work outside of the house, well technically I can’t work for more than a few months at anything. I start out highly driven and then end up just falling apart. I don’t know why, I like working, I love that feeling of accomplishment but something just happens and it’s all over.  Every time I get manic I start a new job and then a couple months later I can’t do it anymore.

I don’t know why I am like this. I used to get up, shower every morning, brush my teeth 2-3 times a day, think about what I put into my body and was very active. Over the years it has gotten steadily worse. The depression lasts longer and I seem to be just going more and more downhill physically.

At the first of the year, I started doing this again, for 2 weeks straight I exercised every day, showered every day and was starting to be very conscious about what I was eating and drinking. I did majorly fuck up my lamictal though and started going through withdrawal symptoms and went almost comatose with depression. I just couldn’t do anything. I lost all my will.

Now I am back to where I am thinking about slowing adding these things back in.  It’s hard to do when I feel I am just going to fail again, plus I am the worst self-saboteur. I lose a few pounds and instead of it motivating me it makes me buy junk food and drink soda’s What’s up with that anyhow?

Is there anyone else that has these same issues, or are you a functioning bipolar?

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Here’s the story.. of a lovely child

As far as I can remember my childhood was hell. My mom says I was a lovely sweet child with a great sense of humor that everyone loved. Then when I was 10 there was a man handing out candy that turned out to be some kind of drug.

After that I started striking out, sleep walking and my life just went to shit from there. No one knew what was wrong with me. I was in therapy for 6 years with my family. They tried really hard to work past it.  However the older I got the worse I got. By 12 I had already had lost my virginity and had had several lovers, both male and female I’d attempted to kill myself twice and I started taking LSD.

I would just randomly run away, I mean who impulsively walks 104 miles just because she doesn’t want to be where she is. I would meet strange men and go home with them. I felt like I was always searching for something.

I was beat up on a weekly basis by girls at school, molested by a boyfriends father and raped all before I was 15.  I was beaten up by a circle of kids in public school and the school removed me as to not have to lose a great deal of their grade 8 students.

I was placed in a school for kids with ‘special’ needs and was apparently locked in my room with no sheets and nothing on but underwear. I seemed to have blocked this of all things from my memory.

My mom eventually took me home because she didn’t like the way they treated me, but then at 15 I was pregnant and she was supportive and said I could stay with her. I think the only time I wasn’t manic or depressed was when I was pregnant. I was however a horrible mother, I was severely agoraphobic and couldn’t go to the store for food or take my daughter to school. She was eventually taken away from me. I don’t hate the system for doing it, she ended up in a foster home with a wonderful warm woman.

 

I think that is all for today, I want to reflect on this.