I noticed that I take horrible care of myself probably about 85% of the time.. I eat poorly, don’t exercise as much as I should. Sometimes I don’t shower for a week. Forget to brush my teeth.. honestly I make myself sick. I pick at things until they fester, constantly pick pick.. Especially if it is a hair that doesn’t belong.. just one can send me into a picking spiral. I find hair gross, but holes grosser. I leave the house in total mess. Seriously the one thing I could do would be to be a good housewife but nope. I’m not lazy, don’t get me wrong I just can’t look after myself. I look at it and get so overwhelmed.

Eventually I hit mania and everything sparkles including me, I start wearing makeup and styling my hair.  But in that time,  I am even horrible at taking my medications. I always seem to forget a couple/few times a week to take them. I think this is one of the reasons ECT would work for me as opposed to drugs. I imagine therapy would be good as well. I have managed to avoid it until now, but I realized while starting to talk to and read other bipolars post that maybe I don’t have to be so shut off from everything. If I can learn to cope and find my triggers.

I can’t work outside of the house, well technically I can’t work for more than a few months at anything. I start out highly driven and then end up just falling apart. I don’t know why, I like working, I love that feeling of accomplishment but something just happens and it’s all over.  Every time I get manic I start a new job and then a couple months later I can’t do it anymore.

I don’t know why I am like this. I used to get up, shower every morning, brush my teeth 2-3 times a day, think about what I put into my body and was very active. Over the years it has gotten steadily worse. The depression lasts longer and I seem to be just going more and more downhill physically.

At the first of the year, I started doing this again, for 2 weeks straight I exercised every day, showered every day and was starting to be very conscious about what I was eating and drinking. I did majorly fuck up my lamictal though and started going through withdrawal symptoms and went almost comatose with depression. I just couldn’t do anything. I lost all my will.

Now I am back to where I am thinking about slowing adding these things back in.  It’s hard to do when I feel I am just going to fail again, plus I am the worst self-saboteur. I lose a few pounds and instead of it motivating me it makes me buy junk food and drink soda’s What’s up with that anyhow?

Is there anyone else that has these same issues, or are you a functioning bipolar?