Again I spent the night fighting with my own body as it slipped into sleep paralysis again and again. I didn’t feel exhausted which is usually the precursor. Though honestly I think I may just be exhausted all the time so I never notice anymore. I had my husband hold my hand, not because it helps physically but emotionally I feel tethered.

It scares me though that my husband sleep so deep and can’t tell when someone is going on with me. I think I lost some of the security that he usually gives. So for hours and hours I would slip down into sleep paralysis sometimes making it to REM but I had so much anxiety I would kick myself out of it. It has been going on all night until noon today.

I don’t feel very good, my sinus’s are grody, my chest feels full and I know I have to go to the doctors tonight to make sure I don’t have pneumonia. Sleeping is just not going to happen.

I’m afraid! My stomach always feels full even when it is not so I imagine I will also get yet another endoscopy. I don’t mind that really. I’ve had 3 already. My great grandmother died from stomach cancer at around my age.. I’m so afraid of death. I mean most people are. Yet they live, they go on and do things with their lives. I am currently writing and feeling guilty.. death and guilt.. why couldn’t it be cake or death? I would most assuredly would take the cake or the chicken.. (Eddie Izzard)

I have made my husband an unhealthy weight with my insecurities. When he wanted to go to the gym or eat healthy I made him feel bad for doing so by accusing him for wanting to be with someone else.  Now I have no choice but to let him do those things because he needs to be healthy. He must outlive me. I couldn’t bear my life without him.

Fuck life would just be easier for everyone without me I swear.