mood swings

Grumpy Pants

I woke up bitchy, like rip the head off of teddy bears pissed. I realized that I wasn’t actually angry or upset about anything this was just my bipolarity rearing it’s ugly head. I mostly managed to keep in check only raising my voice or snapping a couple of times.

In the past I would have fed it. I would have just followed a circle of being pissed at being bitchy and eventually turned into a crazy scary person that is throwing shit around the house. That’s not to say I haven’t felt like throwing my mouse through my monitor a couple of times, I just didn’t follow through with it.

I managed to keep myself busy packing, the whole house is almost completely done now. Except for the few things that need to be packed last moment I don’t really have to much left to do. I have a feeling that isn’t going to be a very good thing but I hope I am not going to make a self-fulfilling prophecy. Who can say. I never know what mood I am going to wake up in.

In 9 days we’ll likely be stopping at our first hotel on the trip, depending on what time the movers come and take all of our stuff. I am going to try and keep both blogs going, the lumosity will likely have to wait until we are back in Omaha. I plan to do my blogs on my ipad so expect spelling errors! lol I am horrible with small typing keys. Could be worse could be my head phones.

Well I am off to bed gotta sleep when I am tired..

Tomorrow is Vegas

Tomorrow at noon we head out for the four hourish drive to Las Vegas. I am super excited about going, I am completely packed. Did some self loving, colored my hair a pretty burgundy and whitened my teeth. Girls gotta look her best right? 😀

I was in a pretty good mood today and I’ve noticed the last couple of days my brain hasn’t been racing as much as it normally does. A one point today though I started getting a little grumpy and the thoughts started stabbing me in the brain! I was pissed off, I really don’t want to be happy for the 3 days before I go to Vegas and then have a down turn there. So I went and had a nap. Woke up feeling much better. Though seriously I could do without the headaches from the withdrawal.

Don’t you hate that the medications we take to make us feel better, usually have something that makes us feel worse at the same time. Especially when going off the damned things. I can’t wait to be completely off the Lamictal. I also can’t wait until I get the see the ECT doc. I’m very excited about that. Having to only take one pill to control the mood swings would be amazing!

Anyhow I am off to watch Game of Thrones and try to get some sleep before tomorrow. Talk to you then!

Better Than Yesterday

My mood is better than it was yesterday that is for sure. I was even socializing in my game, making jokes. Definite improvement.

I have some horrible insomnia again but that’s okay. I sleep so much when I am depressed that I miss out on life and what is going on.

Tonight we had an earthquake in SoCal and it made our apt shake for about 10 mins, it was rather exciting and scary. I had a little bit of a panic attack because of it but didn’t take any meds, just breathed my way though it. I was pretty proud of myself for that. It’s amazing how much I freak out when I don’t have pills, yet some how much calmer I am when I know they are there just in case.

I think if I am up to it I will convince hubby to take me up to the forest. I think the dogs should be fine by themselves for a little while as I want to see a few things before I leave Cali for good. (or until we win the lottery and can afford to live here)

Speaking of which, hubby talked to his boss and apparently we will have the full details on Monday. We’ll see I am not going to hold my breath on this. I mean they need my husband to do his magic so I assume they are going to let us do what we want. We’ll see though. It’s so stressful for me to not be knowing what we are doing. Most would say the worst that could happen is things don’t change. I need a house though. I am so tired of apartment living. I am sure some of you can relate. I never feel like I am stable or can put down roots, which seems to be so important to our mental health. Stability, yes that would be nice.

Til tomorrow.

ocassionally I smile

Today has been a better day then the last few weeks, I am not feeling hopeless or sad, in fact I might even say I feel hopeful. I decided to approach my shrink about the ECT on my appointment and I hope she will go for it. At this point it seems like the best option for me. If not I will just find someone who is willing to do it.

Thank you whoever reads this, it keeps me accountable and makes me want to post each day. That also helps me keep track of my moods. I’ll post more on ECT and maybe some links tomorrow but today I am going out into the sun and enjoy what is left of the afternoon! 🙂