Again last night I spent hours upon hours, watching TV and eating a whole fucking box of creamsicles.  I need to not buy this shit and have it in the house. I am feeling some horrible self hatred right now.

I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. It’s not like I am even enjoying the damn things I just seem to need to punish myself for some reason. I wish my husband would tell me no when I ask for junk. I wish he didn’t always want me to be happy. I wish he was more of a hard ass.. But honestly it is all on me.

I am planning on getting LAPBAND surgery when we get back to Omaha, it was something I was going to do here but chickened out on. It’s something I need to do. I think with it and therapy I will get a handle on things.. I think I think.. I wish I knew..

I am so depressed I just want to sleep and I can’t which makes it so much worse. At least when I sleep I dream and I have control.. the one place I have any control and I can’t get to it. ARGHHHHH!

Luckily I am afraid of death or I would be drunk right now and just staying that way until this passes.. I need to let the medication work though.. WORK DAMMIT I have no patience.. breathe…