suicide

Do you know why I think that bipolars kill themselves?

I think it is because they can’t get the help they need. There seem to be very few *shrinks* who don’t charge cash or are just so overbooked that they don’t take new patients.. Why are doctors so fucking greedy!!!! Even the mood disorder clinic here doesn’t take new patients if you are not already a part of their health thingy. Which I don’t even understand at all.

I had to give up my old shrink, she misdiagnosed me, charged me cash and I had to wait a month between visits. Trying to find a new one is appearing impossible. I am so stressed out, no shrink, my mom coming, my dogs pancreatis (sp?)is acting up.. FUCCKKKKKKKKKKK!

I’m not suicidal just frustrated at the moment and I am going to get totally drunk and forget about this shit.. I don’t normally drink but today seems like a good day to start..

Mood: Tired with a touch of sadness.

Last night I could not sleep. This happens quite frequently so if I make a lot of spelling errors I apologize.

The other night I said to my husband. Do you think I am mentally ill enough, I haven’t tried to kill myself in a while. This was a concern about talking to my shrink about ECT.

It’s not that I haven’t thought about it, I mean when I am depressed all I can think about is how tired I am of all this. However because I don’t have the extreme Mania that I did before it’s something I actually think about as opposed to just *bam* doing it. It scares me to think my mania is low when I spent 15000 dollars on crap in a 2 month period. I can’t even imagine what that would be like unmedicated!!

Back on topic. Last night I was feeling so off, kind of like watching myself from the outside. It’s so hard to describe. I hate when this happens as I am hyper aware of everything around me, tiny sounds, light, how every single part of my body feels. I was cutting boxes open with a knife and thought I bet stabbing myself in the leg would bring me back to being myself. I thought about it for probably 30 mins, then calmly put the knife down and walked away. Had I been unmedicated I would have likely just done it.

This I didn’t tell hubby about, I try to be completely honest with him about how I am feeling, but tend to hide instances where I think about hurting myself. I know I should share this, but I don’t want to have to go to the hospital. I’ve managed to avoid it so far over the years except for a couple of suicide attempts and would like to keep it that way. I need to be with my Boo, it keeps me grounded for the most part.

Damn I am tired.