anxiety

Mood: Stressed!

Goodbye depression, hello hypomania. I am seriously cycling way to damn fast. I would like to get off the ride of my emotions and just throw up some normal, ya know?

I am sitting here at my computer so restless. Everything that I normally enjoy holds no interest to me. I am so fidgety. I try something for 5 minutes then I need to move on to something else.

I had nightmares all night because I am so stressed my mom is coming. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom to pieces but she actually likes to do things and enjoys a clean home. My sister and my niece (9months old) are coming as well so I have to consciously think about everything that is on the floor. They are going to be here Saturday. *fidget*

I tried cleaning and then I get overwhelmed at least I am getting a room done at a time but then I need to move on to something else. I keep thinking that I have found something that will hold my interest but nope. *fidget* I suppose writing at least holds some interest for me, especially since I promised myself to post at least once a day. I don’t want to write to far ahead though because I don’t want to get stuck on a day when I am supposed to be writing.

Everything is just so much work lately. Even getting out of bed. I rarely even bother to get dressed or even brush my hair unless it is to go for my nightly walk, then I typically just wear some baggy unattractive clothes so I can just get the heck out of here.. Hmm maybe that is what I’ll do go for a walk that will kill 30 minutes and make the puppies happy. I wish I was at a point that I could go out by myself cause I will need to drag hubby away from the game he is enjoying, grrr. *fidget*

In the past hour, I have read some blogs, some support boards, tried several games, tried to watch TV, tried to clean.. Most days are like this, I can’t focus on anything. When I am manic I can focus but that is really the only time. I wish it wasn’t so destructive it really is quite useful when it happens. *fidget fidget*

Well I think I will go for that walk, maybe the fresh air will settle me enough so I can concentrate on one thing for a while instead of bouncing.. I feel like one of those super rubber balls that just never stop..

Mood : Silly and Stressed

The is a song by a band called Dream Theatre. I thought whoever wrote them had it pretty spot on, for me anyhow.

All wound up
On the edge
Terrified

Sleep disturbed
Restless mind
Petrified

Bouts of fear
Permeate
All I see

Heightening
Nervousness
Threatens me

I am paralyzed
So afraid to die

Caught off guard
Warning signs
Never show

Tension strikes
Choking me
Worries grow

Why do I feel so numb
Is it something to do with where I come from
Should this be fight or flight
I don’t know why I’m constantly so uptight

Rapid heartbeat pounding through my chest
Agitated body in distress
I feel like I’m in danger
Daily life is strangled by my stress

A stifling surge
Shooting through all my veins
Extreme apprehension
Suddenly I’m insane

Lost all hope for redemption
A grave situation desperate at best

Why do I feel so numb
Is it something to do with where I come from
Should this be fight or flight
I don’t know why I’m constantly reeling

Helpless hysteria
A false sense of urgency
Trapped in my phobia
Possessed by anxiety

Run
Try to hide
Overwhelmed by this complex delirium

Helpless hysteria
A false sense of urgency
Trapped in my phobia
Possessed by anxiety

Run
Try to hide
Overwhelmed by this complex delirium

My official diagnosis is.. Bipolar, With Social Anxiety and Agoraphobia. I remember the first time that I had a panic attack I thought I was about to die. I couldn’t breathe the air around me was so thick , I felt like my head was in a box and my heart pounded. My body reacted by making me incredibly nauseated and other disgusting things I won’t mention. Let’s say going anywhere for any period of time more than 15 mins was completely out.

I used to probably get about 15-20 a day and they always seemed like that would last forever, in fact it felt like I was never recovering from them at all. I never learned how to deal with them until the last couple years and for some reason regardless of how crappy my meds are working on my depression and mania my panic attacks have lessened in frequency and length. I still have to pop a clonazepam every day but I take it usually as a preventive measure as opposed to during the attack. This might just be a psychological thing for me, either way it makes me feel better about my exposure therapy.

I think now more than before I have the fear of having a panic attack before trying new things. Which means walks outside are as I have said a great accomplishment for me.

My mother is going to be here next Saturday and I am starting to get really stressed out which means lucid dreams, waking up with panic attacks and feeling like I’m buzzing, like when you have way to much caffeine. Even though this is a good thing, I know I will have to push myself to entertain them. Which usually ends up with weeks of recovery afterward. Which I will barely get before my mother in laws wedding.

My mother in law is having a wedding in Vegas sometime coming up in April and I need to go to that, it is going to be horrific. Yes negative thinking I know. However she really doesn’t understand me all that well and I am not 100% sure she really wants to. She is also the one person my husband has a hard time standing up to, though it has gotten better over the years. She originally hated me and now thinks I am a wonderful daughter-in-law but she likes to pretend mental illness doesn’t exist. She herself had a huge depressive episode when her kids were younger and couldn’t even more out of the bed, you would think it would make her more understanding, but not so much.

I am dreading it, though I do love the interaction with other people at least for short periods of time and under my own limits and control. If I want to leave I can normally. The wedding I think I can handle. It’s the stuff after that is going to be incredibly stressful for me. I am hoping after talking to my shrink that my treatment will be along far enough that the bipolar part of me keeps it’s ugly head under control. So do you have or know someone that just isn’t willing to understand any of your illness’s? I know a lot of people have the whole get over it attitude but it you had cancer you should as hell wouldn’t be telling someone that very same thing. .. Anyhow this post got way longer than I intended. Listen to the song if you don’t mind a little heavier rock I think you’ll enjoy it!