depression

Dammit Why Today

Mood – crappy with a  side of WTF

Last night I had horrible dreams of people trying to murder me. My husband accidently shooting a baby that was ours. Seriously ridiculous stuff since we have dogs (I do have a grown daughter). We decided kids would be a bad idea, I’m not stable and he doesn’t know how to say no. Really wouldn’t work.

I kept going back to sleep trying to fix my dreams. Not sure if any of you are able to return to the dreams you had and rewrite them but I do this quite a lot. Can I repeat happy dreams, nope not yet. Maybe one day. I don’t really have all that many anyhow so hard to practice

Anyhow the point is I woke up paranoid which is usually one of the ways my depression starts. It always centers around my husband and the fact that he might be having an affair. Now this man spends most of his time home, he works late maybe 4 times a year and is almost always immediately available should I need him. I have no ‘real’ reason to even remotely think anything like that.. However it pops in my head, I mean if I was him I would want some thin beautiful young woman. Why would he want to always be with this fat, ugly irrational woman when he can get himself some sweet thing on the side.

BTW I also think my husband is handsome enough to get any girl he wants.. Also not a reality, but it must be good for his ego.

Why does it have to start on Valentines Day, a day I already pretty much detest because my romantic side is way more creative then my husbands.. Thank you 20 years of romance novels! I think I am going to start boycotting all holidays which could possibly turn out disappointing. Christmas, V-day, Birthdays, hells ya! Lets just thrown em in the ocean and let them learn how to swim.

God I feel sad and tired….. I hate it..

What’s even worse is I posted on twitter to some cute things and actually was sad when in minutes no one responded.. Funtastical.. ugh

Might go back to bed even murderers are more fun than this..

 

EDIT: could this be one of those triggers I have been told to start looking for? V-Day = Bad Day?

Support Groups Depress Me

I’ve been reading a few bipolar support groups and honestly with how bad my depression is right now they just make me sad. The mania of the un-medicated people. The people who have virtually no depression.  the people considering suicide.. The spouses of the bipolars’ who are at their wits end. I don’t know how my husband puts up with me.  I can barely handle myself.

Going on 13 years together and sometimes I feel like the relationship is new and I am shy and fearful that he will leave me or cheat on me because he can get the emotional or physical support that he needs.  I wish I could just keep it to myself and let it eat me up inside instead of voicing my concerns to him.

My pills make it so that I don’t have much of a interest in sex, I am working on getting some medical marijuana since it brings it back and it doesn’t seem to mess my meds up, (which don’t seem to be doing much anyhow)

Right now though I am pretty depressed, not ready to kill myself depressed but lethargic and unable to find joy in anything. I am only posting today because I promised myself that I would force myself to do this, hoping it would be cathartic .. is it I don’t know.

I need to get my meds changed again, I’ve tried every antidepressant on the market, I thought I had finally found the one but it doesn’t seem to be working. I gets so tiring. I am so tired.. I just want to be normal and do normal things. Go out and walk in the sun, go to visit museums, theme parks, movies, dinners, feel the bare grass beneath my feet..  Ugh I think I am done for today this has gotten to sad……

Damn Dogs!!

It is an amazing how much a 9 pound yorkie can mess my mood up. she has taken to biting when we try to move her away from something specially when there is food involved. While this is showing me that she has no respect for my authority it also hurts my feelings which is ridiculous. I think I might have to give her away because I don’t have the capability for getting her training and she needs to learn how to behave ..

Maybe they have in home training.

Either way she took what was a good mood day for me down to a sad day.. My emotions are far to fragile.. damn dog…