depressed

Why I Need To Learn Patience

I woke up today kind of sad.. dunno why. As the day went on and I had more alcohol I realized that I am not nor ever was my moms favorite.

She treats me great but this morning she went out with my sister for two and a half hours. They have their cute little inside jokes and I kind of feel like an outsider.  Looks and giggles. Just made me sad and uncomfortable. I know I have been gone for 13 years but it just seems so weird, I don’t remember ever feeling that comfortable with mom. last two visits she was here we just spent most of the time stoned.

Don’t Judge it helps with the depression.

A little while ago mom was asking where the closest beach was and then said to my sister..  Jo we can walk to the beach tomorrow.. Not ‘we’ but we as in her and Jo. I know I shouldn’t feel sad or jealous. However my mom was more easy going when she had my youngest sisters. They are about 20 years my junior, different dad, etc.

I need to learn to be more patient with my mom. I suppose I could be forthright with her but I don’t think that would go over well..

Blech

What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up

Mood: I’m outta bed that’s something

Most people my age are already well into their lives, kids, career, home.. I had dreams, I wanted to be a lawyer, I wanted to be a veterinarian, I wanted to be a song writer, I wanted to be an author. I wanted to be something.. Anything but what I am.

The fact that when I am manic, like many bipolars, I have such grand ideas. I have bought so many beads planning to make jewelry, tons of stuff to make perfume. Let’s add candle making, painting, photography and computer graphics (at least I still use PS6 ) and the start of more novels then I can remember. I’ve mostly just spent a lot of money on closet space holders. Which if you know LA Apartment is not a lot of room! Half my stuff is spreading to other rooms.

I start working out and then buy like a gazillion video tapes, I might even stick to it for a couple of weeks. I have 3 different Shaun T videos. There will be no time soon I am even going to be close to doing insanity, but well I my thought was I would get there eventually.  Must HAVE it.

Even when I start a job, I work as a phone sex operator, as it’s the only thing I can find to do with my situation. So I buy books so I can excel at it. I buy websites so I can advertise and be noticed. I buy props and software so I can be all I can be. Then I soon realize that the job makes me feel like shit.. Like complete shit..  I hate lying, I hate pretending to be something I am not and that is all that job is about. You don’t make friends, the other woman consider you competition so you talk to men all day who are married or just plain sick in the head and try not to feel like your soul is being sucked from your body.

I did vlogs for a while, but I hate the way I look so much that I was always deleting the videos and couldn’t look the camera in the eye, making them even more awkward.

I want to be a productive member of society. I want to be able to help my husband look after us. I want to be able to help buy our next home. I want to be good at something.  Living on idea’s doesn’t do anything for me or anyone else.  I have no idea what I want to do or be. I feel like I’ll be of retirement age before I even figure it out.

I couldn’t even finish public school because I got beat up by about 20 kids and it was kick them out or me.. Guess who they picked.

I’m not ignorant or anything like that. I think that I have a decent vocabulary and can write quite well when the mood takes. I am horrible at math though. So any career with math involved is pretty much out. I have so many out of body experiences that I am clumsy which puts out a lot of other careers. Plus the needing my husband to go out thing, maybe we could work somewhere together, I am sure he wouldn’t mind more hours on his already too long work week.  *sarcasm so doesn’t work well with print*

I hope that they get my meds to a point where I can be a real part of society but then that is just another thing in the long line of things to do when all I want to do live that dream that so many people take for granted.

I’m Falling Apart

Last night when I tried to go to sleep I ended up paralyzed on my back trying to scream for my husband in absolute terror.  Of course he never heard a thing because you can’t even whisper let alone scream. I don’t even know why it happened, I thought I had gotten enough sleep.

Today I had a major breakdown.  I just sobbed and sobbed trying to remember who I was. I just don’t feel like me.  I am just in that little bubble watching my mind tear itself a part trying to figure out a way to fix everything.  At this moment I feel hopeless and just want to take some sleeping meds and then sleep until I feel better.  Whenever that is going to happen.

My cycles are so radical I can never tell. I just know when I feel good I hope it lasts forever and it quickly lets me down.

Those damn men were yelling and cheering and annoying the shit out of me again today, it made me actually get up and scream shut of the fuck up out my window.. Not once but three times. I tried contacting the office here, no one answered.. I tried writing an email and that email bounced back with a I’m not here right now call the office.

Honestly the last thing I need when I am like this is sound. I hate the way people sound when they are en mass. I can barely tolerate it when I am up and even then I have to have music in the background so I can focus. I wanted to cut a bitch. Seriously though.. I just breathed and lay back down and sat there for a couple hours doing nothing, just staring off into space. Waiting for my husband to get home and save me with a little levity and contact.  I feel numb and cold and spacey.. I imagine this is very much what a porcelain doll feels, fragile and empty.

He’s gonna end up leaving me, I am such a strain on his life..

He’s on his way home and wanted to know what I wanted to eat, baby carrots.. that’s it. I have all of a sudden gotten this distaste for meat, well for most anything but meat most especially, It’s been going on for over a week now and seems to be getting worse. Which is bad cause our freezer is packed with meat thanks to his mothers need to send it for gifts for every occasion.  blech

How bad is bad? I’m afraid I don’t know. I just know that each time I go into the pit of hell, it gets darker and more painful.

 

Damn Mood Swings

I really would love, looove a day where my mood is my own. I am having such a rapid succession of different moods with no causes..  Depressed for a week, Happy and outgoing for a day and today I woke up pissed at the world.  Seriously how about a little hypomania.. I mean sure the last time I did that I filled two credit cards but at least I was happy about everything, the world was in bloom the sky was all shades of awesome and I didn’t feel like a fat ugly overaged woman..

I’ve tried every antidepressant there is and I’m getting tired. So tired. I am going to talk to my shrink about ECT, it seems like a good idea to me to be honest, specially if it works. It doesn’t help that she has misdiagnosed me as BP Nos, why my old one diagnosed with with BP1.. Even that is making me so pissed off I want to throw something through something else.

ARGGHHHHHHH! Why can’t I just WAKE UP HAPPY?!?!?

My life is good, a lot of people would consider themselves lucky, today I can’t find anything lucky about it.

Meh enough bitching, thanks for listening.