happy

On The Precipice

I feel like I am standing on a precipice. Just hanging on the edge with a couple of fingers wrapped around the root of happiness trying to hold on for just a few more days or even hours.

I’m right on the edge of being angry, happy and anxiously sad. I hate the way this feels. I had honestly thought the up would last so much longer. It seems like every time I cycle the happy lasts for a shorter and shorter amounts of time.

I was putting the dishes away and I like to wash all my chefs knives in the dishwasher. One of the knives grazed my wrist I was placing the rack and I realized I wouldn’t be incredibly sad if it had sliced me open. I won’t tell my husband that though. He worries enough about me as it is and it wasn’t like I was considering killing myself I just didn’t care if it happened.

sigh

Something Wonderful Happened In My Bed!

No it’s not what you think you dirty minded people! LOL

The chemicals in my brain shifted, my world slightly tilted and when I woke up something strange had happened.

I was HAPPY! I know due to my recent almost 2 months of depressions (with slight 1 day breaks) it shocked me. I searched my mind in all the dark corners and came up with nothing to worry about, nothing to stress about. I almost forgot how good happy feels, I mean I always wish for it and romanticize it in my mind but when it finally happens it’s like the clouds open to reveal sunlight. The birds are constantly singing. I feel like a Disney character.

I do have the issue of what normally happens with my happiness. (Let’s be honest it’s hypomania). I even know that it won’t last long but as long as I am feeling it I am going to enjoy it. Now if my brain would just slow down long enough for me to pick something to do that would be amazing. If my mouth could slow down just a little when I talk, that would be awesome. I mean hubby can almost follow me when I am like this, thank goodness!

This is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to do too many things and I don’t really care. It’s the not caring that should worry me but at the moment I again don’t really care.

I’ve been laughing and humming and playing games and cooking and taking care of things. It just feels amazing to feel so damned good. I even like the way I look today, my hair seems perfectly tussled and my clothes looking great.. (This is how I know I am hypomanic) I want to go out in sexy clothes and have people look at me (in a good way).. That won’t happen though, hubby has an issue with my showing off my goods but you know what I am ok with it!

I think I might work on my writing at least while I can, and reading and oh my god I am soo excited.. Crazy excited and I love it!!! Sure makes the last couple of days where I was a complete bitch seem like a year ago.

*twirls with birds landing on my shoulder as I sing and dance about how wonderful things are*

YAY

ocassionally I smile

Today has been a better day then the last few weeks, I am not feeling hopeless or sad, in fact I might even say I feel hopeful. I decided to approach my shrink about the ECT on my appointment and I hope she will go for it. At this point it seems like the best option for me. If not I will just find someone who is willing to do it.

Thank you whoever reads this, it keeps me accountable and makes me want to post each day. That also helps me keep track of my moods. I’ll post more on ECT and maybe some links tomorrow but today I am going out into the sun and enjoy what is left of the afternoon! 🙂