mood

Lithium

Yesterday was a pretty good day mood wise and today has been ok as well. I think this is what normal feels like? I am not over the top happy, but I’m not sad either. I could get used to it. Will it last? That’s the million dollar question isn’t it.

Today to take care of the need to cut all my hair off, I shaved my head up to behind my ears. That way when it is up it is a lot cooler and when it is down it hides it. Kind of a compromise. It’s weird to see blonde again, I’ve been every color but it for a very long time. Makes me wonder if I should let the red grow out. Meh who knows, it would definitely save me some time.

With the hay fever and maybe still a little of the withdrawal from the Viibryd or maybe the going up to 900mg of lithium my stomach is not happy. I just got back from the grocery store and thought that I might actually hurl in the aisle. Positive thing though I didn’t panic or run I just breathed through it. I also feel nauseated when I am hungry which honestly seems like the wrong response to hunger.

On a side note, I am making a video for my BFF, she says I am fearless so I am going to try and do something just that. I hope it turns out. If I like it then I will post it on the blog. If I don’t only she will see it and maybe hubby. I think it is funny that I am less shy with her about some things than my husband.

I called my shrink today to ask about my lithium and the strangest thing happened. He answered the phone. He was actually a pretty decent guy today maybe I am wrong about him. *shrug*

Things Are Picking Up

Mood: Good, though I want to shop for some stress reduction. It is one of my coping mechanism and sadly one that often gets me in trouble which is why hubby has all my CC’s heh

You know I realize that when I am in one mindset or the other I tend to forget what the other is like. When I am depressed as hell I feel like I have been that way forever and it is never going to stop. Thankfully it is starting to pass and just in time for my mom and sisters visit. Yesterday I was going between calm, laughing and crying. Talk about mixed episode. It’s been like this for about a week I think. Though it was predominantly at the negative end with a few breaks.

Today is the first day I woke up and could say, I’m ok. It’s funny when just OK is a wonderful feeling. No super highs and gut wrenching lows. So today I would like to say some things that I am grateful for.

1) The hubby! I am reminded every day how lucky I am to have him.

2) The family I have in my life. My mom is trying really hard to understand my bipolarity.

3) My health (I think) I had a full heart workup last summer when I had a huge panic attack and a torn muscle in my shoulder. I mean they did everything.

4) I am really fortunate to live in SoCal, when the rest of the country if having horrific weather we have tons of sunshine and always have something blooming. The last few days it has been raining and it reminds me of the only weather I miss from states who have seasons!

5) My blog! It is giving me a sense of routine which is something I am badly in need of! This is the longest I have stuck with something besides my marriage 😀

6) The people who don’t know me but wrote kind words when I was struggling. Thank you! Communicating with others who also have mental illness is more comforting than I ever realized.

I will keep doing this blog and try to remind myself everyday that even when life feels like it is complete shit, that, that is my bipolar brain.

A Great Talk

Mood: Levelish.. for now I guess..

My mood yesterday was crazy, I started off sad, then slightly manic, then contemplative, then insecure.. One of the good things about it is I went out to the marina *see picture above* and went out to dinner, both really hard things for me to do so they were big accomplishments. I don’t know what this had to do with the moods. I am trying to go out for at least a walk when I am feeling sad though, apparently exercise helps!

When I was sitting down to dinner with hubby we got to talking about the way I was before I got medicated. Honestly I have been talking his ear of a lot the last few weeks as I am trying to finally reach some kind of acceptance of my diagnosis so that I can just come to terms with it. For some reason those first few years are mostly a fog, but he remembers everything quite clearly, something I think I will probably never forgive myself for. I didn’t know what was wrong with me but having someone who loves you suffer in anyway never feels good.

We went over a lot of my hypersexual behavior, which honestly for him was mostly a win, I was also very involved in the personal problems of other people and while I never hid the fact of it from him, I was also may have been to forthright and he actually got concerned that I had been having an affair. I didn’t even know about this until today. It breaks my heart to have him to have ever of thought that for a second. It’s the one thing I have managed to avoid doing and will continue regardless how bad this gets, I hope.

He is my everything. Some will say this might be a bad thing. I don’t know if it is. He literally saved my life. He came to meet me in Canada for my birthday. I had planned to kill myself after meeting with him. I however had the most profound experience. He was very sick, so all we could do was talk, snuggle, nap and watch cartoons (we both love em). I had already had feelings for him, but in that time I fell in love with him. So I decided to chase him down in Nebraska and we were together ever since.

That’s not to say it has been easy, I tried to kill myself during one of my manic episodes. He hadn’t done something with the laundry and I went bat shit crazy about it then took a whole bottle of sleeping pills. After that I have no memories of it at all, but he does. I hate that. He tells me the stories of it from time to time and laughs because I drove the nurses crazy by being a general pain in the ass. He saves me time and time again.

His smile can just amaze me.

He worries that he doesn’t feel things strongly enough. He is soft spoken and kind and rarely gets angry when others would be well past their breaking point but when he loves me, he loves me more than I have ever seen ever in the entire world.. Well you get my meaning, I’ve never seen the entire world.

I can’t say how lucky I am, I can never express it enough. I just hope that I can be a better person and keep him happy, I would hate to see that smile go away.

Damn Dogs!!

It is an amazing how much a 9 pound yorkie can mess my mood up. she has taken to biting when we try to move her away from something specially when there is food involved. While this is showing me that she has no respect for my authority it also hurts my feelings which is ridiculous. I think I might have to give her away because I don’t have the capability for getting her training and she needs to learn how to behave ..

Maybe they have in home training.

Either way she took what was a good mood day for me down to a sad day.. My emotions are far to fragile.. damn dog…