depression

Just Blah

I am in no mood to do anything. I just want to curl up in bed and stay there and sleep, dream. Get away from here.

Admitting Your Wrong Changes Nothing

You are still wrong if you don’t do something to change it right? You can admit it till the cows come home, big deal.

Smoking the weed and it working on my depression medication and fucking it up, but like I said what am I going to do about it.

 

 

He’s The Man

Last night I handed hubby my weed and told him I don’t want it again until I ask for it. I’m hoping that disappointing him will be enough to stop this daily smokefest that I am on. The depression is almost fully here now.

I Hate It When He’s Right

Which honestly more often than not I suppose lately.  It’s annoying and he doesn’t even rub it in. He just looks at me with those gorgeous blue eyes and I cow my head like a small child.

My plan is to not smoke any weed this weekend and just concentrate on hanging out with hubby. I forgot just how much I enjoy being with him till the month without the weed.

The depression is coming back again, It’s right there I can almost touch it if I reached out I’m afraid if would be even more tangible.

 

Horrible At Making Decisions

Last night I missed writing my blog because I was too stoned to give a shit.  Honestly I thought about it then just didn’t do it.

I thought that I had made the decision not to get anymore pot but when we were out tonight I had hubby get out the cash I needed for it anyhow. I even told him he was right and he didn’t try and talk me out of it, but then he treats me like an adult who can make her own decisions.

Tonight we went to downtown Gretna and walk around for a couple of hours catching pokemon and exploring. It’s nice down there and you can walk without thinking about it too much.

Also my shrink is taking me off the pristiq so we shall see if we get any side effects from that.

I’m A Bad Girl

I found some weed so I smoked it and I only hesitated for a second. It was a long second at least. I’m not sure how hubby will feel about it but I was having a bad day and now I feel better.

Just listening to some music and chilling out instead of just being kind of sad like.

I’m afraid.

I don’t want the depression to be coming back already. I’m hoping that it’s not and I’m just having emotions like people do. Maybe I had a sad dream or someething, I hope.

I’m not ready for the world to be grey again.

Is Depression Better?

Today I have felt a multitude of feelings and I don’t like it! I was calm and accepting of everything when I was depressed. Maybe it seemed like I didn’t care but I was just kind of chill about everything going on around me. Now I have feelings about everything.

Was supposed to hang out with my SiL Saturday and she ended up posting on facebook about going to a concert. Kind of felt like a punch in the stomach. I don’t like that at all. Things got worked out and I explained to her that my feelings were hurt. That’s the problem when you let people into your life. They have the ability to make you feel things. When it was just me and hubby I was mostly happy, not much made me feel angry or hurt. Now everything feels like I am feeling it 100% stronger than ever before.

The numbness of depression just seems to be easier you know.

On a maybe positive note we are having gretna days, which is our little fair and I really want to go so maybe I actually will. We’ll see when 5:00 rolls around.

More Outside Time

Tonight I went and explored our downtown whilst hunting pokemon. It was nice to get out. It’s a really small town so it’s this super cute older looking downtown. Got me out walking and I caught some brand new pokemon I haven’t caught yet.

My mood has been good today. I hate saying that so much. It makes me worry about the depression that will rear it’s ugly head at some point instead of just enjoying myself. I worry about worrying I worry so much. Is’t that quite the sentence.

I almost missed writing my blog. almost.. I made it though.

 

I Did More Stuff

Today I went out of the house to catch pokemon and get some keys made at a store. I apparently really needed to get out of the house because when hubby suggested it I jumped on that train. hehe.

Going into the store to get keys made was actually my idea and I took a picture of us outside for my Facebook.

I’m also showing an interest in all the things I have been DVRing for months.

I’m still not physically feeling great but I got to ignore it which was nice for a while.

Maybe I am coming out of my depression, maybe hubby was right. I so hope not, I hate telling him he’s right. I like being right lol.

Unmotivated

I woke up today and I don’t know how I feel other than  very unmotivated and fidgety . I can’t sit still long enough to get into any TV shows and I have no motivation to do anything that requires movement.

I also do not feel like writing my blog today.  I don’t feel like doing anything.

My brain is all wrapped up in all the negative things going on in America right now. I’m feeling afraid and lost. All I keep thinking is that we are so fucking screwed.

However I am realizing as I write this listening to music, that the music is doing something wonderful. It’s distracting my brain. Enough that I can breathe a little. Really makes me miss my weed though. Nothing is better than getting stoned and just laying back listening to some upbeat dance music (or whatever you like).  It’s so wonderful feeling. The music is good on it’s own of course, I love music.

It actually makes me want to start moving my tushy and dance around as opposed to sitting here and doing this.. So I am going to go and dance while I am in the mood to do something. *shakes booty*