Author: abipolarsreality

I am a bipolar of 34ish years, diagnosed only 10ish year ago. I am still struggling with it and have not come to some kind of level ground. I am hoping this blogging helps. I love to write, it is something I enjoyed for many years and I hope to renew my love for it here as well.

Tonight I

Tonight I watched fire works.

I ate with family.

I socialized and acted fairly normal. honestly hating most minutes of it.

 

Visiting

Today we are supposed to be visiting with the in laws and their family.  I guess technically since i married into it, it is also my family. I won’t be around to post my log later but I wanted to make sure I at least posted a sentence today. I hate when I miss posting days, which is all of em dammit.

 

Almost Missed My Blog

I have the sound turned off on my iPad, so no alarm.

I remembered now and it’s before midnight my time so I made it!

First day with the FIL, I made it through with the help of my little green friend.

Apparently tomorrow we are going to have to go to MIL’s for a dinner, this was unplanned but I just have to make it through this holiday.

 

FIL Is Here

So far it hasn’t been uncomfortable but I’ve been stoned lol. That helps a lot. I ran out though again.. sigh. I wish I had my own plants, so I could just have it whenever I wanted it and didn’t have to trouble anyone else.

I don’t know how the next several days are going to go but I’ll ride them out cause that’s what I do.

Whats the worst that can happen anyhow right?

 

After

It always seems like the day after I make some good accomplishments my brain decides to beat me up with all it’s negativity.

I hate my brain so damn much. I would trade it in a heart beat if I could still remember the people I loved.

My SIL invited me out tonight to a bar to meet with her new friend and some other friends. Not really in my comfort zone right now. Not with hubbies dad coming in tomorrow. ACK!

 

Made It

I finally made it to my shrink appt, woot! She is taking me completely off the wellbutrin and then we are also going to remove the Pristiq after. So another 6 weeks before that one goes.

That’s all I managed to accomplish, though she gave me another .5 mgs of xanax to take a day. 3 over the course of the day as opposed to the two I have in the morning the the .5 I have in the afternoon. We are trying to find a rhythm.

Overall it’s been a pretty good day. Oh I also ate breakfast at the restaurant. So big day for my social anxiety fears.

 

Perfect

I have a perfect husband with a perfect house and perfect pets. I never want for anything. Yet dragging my ass out of bed when I wake up is super hard. Trying to get motivated to do anything is impossible and I cry at the drop of a hat. There’s no reason I shouldn’t be happy, but I’m so the opposite of happy it isn’t even funny. I hate depression. I dream of a day of happiness again.

 

Almost Forgot

I’ve been so wrapped in myself today that I almost forgot to write my blog post.

Today has been a very hard day for me, I stayed in bed until after 1:30pm and just couldn’t get my mojo going.

My sister in law asked me to go out to visit with her and her friends and I passed that up because I was literally terrified. I also have to get the house in order for father in law’s visit.

I have broken down and cried several times. I think I am just in the throes of some bad depression.

I feel so broken.

Not Like I Used To

I used to be able to drink and party and wake up the next day and start all over again. I definitely don’t have that ability anymore. I had three beers yesterday morning(ish) and felt like hell the rest of the day and I feel like crap today. I can’t keep up with SIL, course she is more then 10 years my junior I believe.

I’m waking up stressed about the fourth of July. I hate the gathering the socializing. I do love the fire works. Wish I could just stay home with hubby and watch him light fireworks off. Last year I had no problem, which goes to show you just how much you can backslide in a year. I have no idea how to fix this.. ugh,

 

Weird Way

Today started off on a weird start. SIL stopped by and got me out of bed, then we proceeded to have a few beers. I don’t think I felt straight for longer than 10 mins this morning. I feel super weird now.

I’m just listening to music and smoking weed by myself now. Just kind of relaxing before next week when the father in law and a bunch of family come to town for the fourth of July.  I’m super stressed about it unless I am listening to music than I’m not thinking about it.

I’m in a pretty good mood over all, it’s a nice change.

Interaction always helps with my mood.