WhatIf’s

Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World

I was watching  this movie last night when I couldn’t sleep. It had Steve Carrel and Keira Knightly in it, and was labeled as a comedy. In the movie the end of days draws near as there is a comet was going to crash into the earth. It was really good, as I said it’s listed as a comedy but I would say it is that loosely.

It made me wonder what I would do with myself if the end of the world was coming. Would anything change? If things changed wouldn’t I want to live right now like any moment could be the end of my life? Something to seriously consider that is for sure.

Even knowing I should live everyday like it will be my last really doesn’t change my urgency for getting treatment and living life.  Sure I have an appointment with a new shrink/group of shrinks but I don’t know how that will go. Will they listen to me about wanting the ECT. There are truly no more antidepressants for me to try. I’m afraid they will want to start me on a new pill cycle and frankly nothing good ever comes from it.

I plan on seeing a psychotherapist when I get back to Omaha. I never thought that it would do me any good but just from talking to and reading other bloggers it makes me feel like I can benefit from it. As well as the socialization that I need. I’ve been writing for almost 70 days and feel like I am part of a community and not as alone as I was when I started. It’s remarkable.

I wondered why anyone would want to read my blog and then thought to myself why do I want to read others blogs. Well because we don’t want to feel alone. Even if a there are some of us that choose to be shut off from humanity we still need to feel part of something.

Were I able to stop constantly living in fear of things I might even enjoy life more.  The depression won’t lift on it’s own but maybe I can shine a little light on it when the darkness of it gets suffocating. I just need to remember we only have one life and we should make the most of it. I need to adopt a who cares attitude about the people who walk past me or look at me and don’t know me. If they judge harshly they are the ones that are missing out.

I do know without a doubt that spending my last days with the man I love doesn’t even change in a scenario that only leaves me with days on earth. I think I would only want more time with him. We need to win the lottery!

How would you live if you knew the end of the world was coming?

 

Nothing Going On But The Rent

Seriously I hate the first of the month. Paying for rent in California could be two 300k home mortgages in Omaha. I always feel like it is throwing money away. Not like this apartment is amazing, there’s been construction going on for the better part of the three years we have lived here. Constant noise and men yelling.

When I have insomnia which I do now, you would think I would be able to get a little peaceful time to nap for an hour or two, but nope. jackhammers, drills and other noisy little tools grinding and purring and rumbling.

I don’t know how people can live in cities like New York where there is constant noise. I can’t even stand the noise of people talking in a restaurant if there is not music for me to focus on in the background.

My perfect home would be a little ranch with a small one horse barn and a corral for it to run in. The problem with that is that it seems these are the places that are often hit by tornados. Tornado season in Omaha is scary enough, so I will likely live in a neighborhood with lots of houses. Is it increasing my chances of not getting hit? It’s unlikely but I would at least feel safer.

And honestly I don’t mind the sound of the tornado alarms nearly as much as I hate living in this apartment.

 

It’s The Heart

My mood is super bitchy but I need to post so…

It’s The Heart

It’s the heart that makes us blunder,

It’s the heart that makes us wonder.

It’s the heart that makes us put up a fight,

It’s the heart that helps us sleep at night.

It’s the heart that brings us all our fear,

It’s the heart that keeps close what we hold dear.

The heart is in everything we do,

How does your heart control you?

 

Not too bad for a 3 minute poem, meh

 

I Don’t Like Mondays

I thought this very thought today, mid afternoon on a Sunday. Reminded me of the song from the 80’s. The only thing in common though is the hate of Mondays.

I get two full days a week with my husband and then the week starts all over again. Instead of enjoying the rest of our Sunday I started getting bummed out about the fact I would go for a full week sitting alone in the apartment, bored out of my head, likely still feeling crappy.

I tend to always be looking far along the line instead of just enjoying the moment. What a horrible way to spend ones life. I know this but yet I still can’t stop myself from doing it.

I remember when I was un-medicated and could often just go with the flow and be spontaneous. Course this also used to get me in a lot of trouble. I wish there could be an in between that would work for me.

I’ve have already been stressed since Weds. Hubby told me in the morning that the bosses had ok’d the Omaha move and then later when he came home said he had something to tell me he didn’t want me to worry about. The bosses wanted to contact him Monday with the specifics/details. I hate the company he works for and don’t trust them as far as I can spit. So I’ve been worried that they are going to find some way to screw him/thus me around.

I went from being excited to twitchy and tight. I feel like I’ve been working out.

I know that even if we do go back to Omaha I will be worried about something happening to one of us before then. Omaha has been the closest place I ever felt like was a home to me.. I don’t know why. I think it is probably because it’s the longest I stayed in one place. I keep having horrible things popping into my head.. The damn What If’s might literally be the figurative death of me.

So ya that’ll be my Monday, no damned fun.. Hopefully the specifics are good.