Tonight everyone is actually coming. They’ll be no booze or weed for me, so I’ll have to deal with it somehow else.
I don’t even feel like cooking honestly. I’m kinda of just sad. I thought I could talk my husband into getting the 160.oo but he stuck to his guns for a change. Frustrating!
I’ll let you know how it all goes over.
Today I finished off the last of my weed and I’m not going to buy anymore until I see if the meds the doctor are adjusting are actually going to help or not. I also gave up drinking alcohol. Gonna take this with my own brain.
I have to admit I’m a little scared. I love being able to zone out and listen to music and just not think about anything.
Now my classic whatif’s will start. Let see how tomorrow turns out for starters.
I have several songs that I listen to when I am feeling suicidal and they make me feel if not better at least under control.
They are songs about fighting for your life, even if the monster is within you.
I’ll have to put together a list, maybe they’ll help someone else.
I always get a feeling of dread on Sunday. I start thinking about all the time I will be spending alone the next week before the weekend comes. I honestly live for the weekend and than I don’t even do anything with them
All I’ve been doing is listening to music and pulling into myself. Not sure why, but you can tell all the music I am listening to has kind negative feelings though sometimes they are super upbeat songs. They just remind me of how I feel sometimes.
I need to grab hubby and do something.. I’m gonna do that now.
I couldn’t think of a title name. Let’s see what has happened today. Well I got a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my husband for mothers day. It’s super sweet that he does things like that considering we don’t have a child together and he’s never met his step daughter. *shrug* he’s a wonderful man who makes me feel loved pretty much every single day, multiple times a day. I’m a lucky woman.
It’s the end of the week and I’ve got hubby until Monday morning. That makes me happy. I love being around him even if we are doing different activities.
Today has been a mellow day but I’m happy (looks over her shoulder). Saying it out loud is a little scary it’s like inviting trouble but people need to know that it’s not always down with this thing.
Happiness does happen from time to time.
Today I have been in an ok mood. Not super happy, but definitely not depressed.
I’m still feeling very unmotivated. I don’t want to do anything but get high and listen to music.
I think that’s what I’ll do with my evening.
I wrote this poem some time ago for my other blog, but I decided that if I honestly can’t think of things to say, I’ll post some of my writings. Enjoy
I heard a train and it made me think,
About dying in a way that’s kind of unique.
Just lay on the tracks, maybe take a sleep,
Eyes closed tight as the horn goes meep meep.
I think it would be fast and my emotions would hurt less,
However I think there’d be a hell of a mess..
Whatever.. Poetry..
Not suicidal just a quick thought.
In some ways I think that all the social media that we have these days is a huge mistake. Kids are spending more time with their electronics than playing and enjoying life outside. We text instead of talking and post anonymously about things we believe in.
Yet if I never had a computer, I would never have met my husband. I wouldn’t half this blog as an outlet and I wouldn’t be able to see all the wonderful things going on with my family in Canada.
Social Media definitely has its place in our world. Hopefully we can find a nice balance before we all turn into shut ins..
Today I have been having feelings, like a range of them. I wouldn’t think much about it except that I have been only really feeling two the last several months. Sad mostly, with a touch of happy here or there. I guess three if you count terror as an emotion.
None of these feelings were out of place. I was hurt because of something someone did. I cried because of a sad story that I read. I got angry because I felt betrayed a little. I also got happy because I listened to some music. It is all rather nice. It’s better than I’ve felt in a while. I’ll take it one day at a time.
I decided not to go to my doctors. I’m going to see if my shrinks advice, meds and help work to fix my issues first. I promised hubby if things didn’t improve in a month I would go to the doctors though. I’m hoping I don’t have to.
I think I am going to try and get back to my happy place and put on some music and play some World of Warcraft.
A Bipolars Reality 