Bipolar

Tension

I wrote this poem last year, I wonder if it was how I was feeling or if I was just writing. Gives me something to think about.

Is he still in love with me?
His eyes say yes,
His action says yes,
Hie touch says yes,
Yet everything is tense

Am I still in love with him,
With all my heart,
With all my breathe,
With all my life,
Yet everything is tense

When will tension stop and our joy will shine through again. Time is being cruel and life is playing jokes.
When everything should be joy,
Why is it so hard, why is there tension at all?

Posting

I don’t know if I should post when I remember to post or just when my alarm goes off. Waiting for the alarm gives me more of a chance of something happening to me. Otherwise, it’s Reba til Two, The Middle til Five, Last Man Standing til Eight, The Middle til ten, then mike & molly, two broke girls til midnight where I go to bed.

Sometimes I stop watching TV and actually play on my computer or paint.

Then there are those rare days where I leave the house.

Today I think I’ll just stick with my original plan and chill on the couch for the day, I have no motivation.

P.S. I’m sorry if I don’t respond to comments, I love reading them, I’m just not good at responding and I don’t want people to feel left out if I don’t know what to say. I’m very happy that I got as many comments as I did about my tunes.

Aloneness *ya I know it’s not a word*

Today I feel like basically just chillin’ not having to entertain any one or any dog. Just kind of want to sit in my own head and listen to dance music. You know kind of be one with my aloneness.

Normally I crave so much attention and honestly rarely ask for the amounts I truly want.  I’m sure hubby wouldn’t mind but he needs his own space as well. He likes to play games that basically take a lot of focus. Something I don’t have, ha!

So we’ll do our own thing and hug once in a while in the middle and it’s really nice.

Small Suicide List

*these are the songs I listen to when I am feeling suicidal and they usually bring me out of it* It’s not a list to play while you kill yourself. Call someone for help if you are feeling that way and can’t get out of it.

Switchfoot – Meant to Live

Three Days Grace – Never Too Late, Pain

Breaking Benjamin – Close to Heaven

Seether – Broken Featuring Amy Lee

Skillet – Awake and Alive

Give them a listen and see what you think, it’s just a few I would have to put way more effort into the whole list. I’m still creating it on pandora.

Next Day

Yesterday I did so well. No xanax and going out with my SIL, but today is a completely different story.

I woke up feeling a little sick but I figured it was because I was hungry so I ate breakfast took all my pills and promptly threw everything less than 15 mins later. Hard to get your meds when you don’t knows how much actually stuck.

Going to try and eat some dinner and drink some water hopefully it sticks. Wish me luck.

Unexpected

When I woke up this morning I figured it would be an ordinary day. However when I woke my husband was home, that’s always nice even when he is sick cause I love to see him.

My SIL came by at lunchtime and asked if I wanted to go out and explore. We went to a neat church and drove to a cute bar and had a beer  by the platte river. It was really relaxing.

BTW I didn’t give up the weed either..but that’s a story for another day.

Family Night This Week

Tonight everyone is actually coming. They’ll be no booze or weed for me, so I’ll have to deal with it somehow else.

I don’t even feel like cooking honestly. I’m kinda of just sad. I thought I could talk my husband into getting the 160.oo but he stuck to his guns for a change. Frustrating!

I’ll let you know how it all goes over.

Last Day For Weed

Today I finished off the last of my weed and I’m not going to buy anymore until I see if the meds the doctor are adjusting are actually going to help or not.  I also gave up drinking alcohol. Gonna take this with my own brain.

I have to admit I’m a little scared. I love being able to zone out and listen to music and just not think about anything.

Now my classic whatif’s will start.  Let see how tomorrow turns out for starters.

Suicide Music

I have several songs that I listen to when I am feeling suicidal and they make me feel if not better at least under control.

They are songs about fighting for your life, even if the monster is within you.

I’ll have to put together a list, maybe they’ll help someone else.

 

 

I Don’t Think Much Of Sundays

I always get a feeling of dread on Sunday. I start thinking about all the time I will be spending alone the next week before the weekend comes. I honestly live for the weekend and than I don’t even do anything with them

All I’ve been doing is listening to music and pulling into myself. Not sure why, but you can tell all the music I am listening to has kind negative feelings though sometimes they are super upbeat songs. They just remind me of how I feel sometimes.

I need to grab hubby and do something.. I’m gonna do that now.