Here’s the story.. of a lovely child

As far as I can remember my childhood was hell. My mom says I was a lovely sweet child with a great sense of humor that everyone loved. Then when I was 10 there was a man handing out candy that turned out to be some kind of drug.

After that I started striking out, sleep walking and my life just went to shit from there. No one knew what was wrong with me. I was in therapy for 6 years with my family. They tried really hard to work past it.  However the older I got the worse I got. By 12 I had already had lost my virginity and had had several lovers, both male and female I’d attempted to kill myself twice and I started taking LSD.

I would just randomly run away, I mean who impulsively walks 104 miles just because she doesn’t want to be where she is. I would meet strange men and go home with them. I felt like I was always searching for something.

I was beat up on a weekly basis by girls at school, molested by a boyfriends father and raped all before I was 15.  I was beaten up by a circle of kids in public school and the school removed me as to not have to lose a great deal of their grade 8 students.

I was placed in a school for kids with ‘special’ needs and was apparently locked in my room with no sheets and nothing on but underwear. I seemed to have blocked this of all things from my memory.

My mom eventually took me home because she didn’t like the way they treated me, but then at 15 I was pregnant and she was supportive and said I could stay with her. I think the only time I wasn’t manic or depressed was when I was pregnant. I was however a horrible mother, I was severely agoraphobic and couldn’t go to the store for food or take my daughter to school. She was eventually taken away from me. I don’t hate the system for doing it, she ended up in a foster home with a wonderful warm woman.

 

I think that is all for today, I want to reflect on this.

 

Sleep where art thou

Last night I got a whole 3 hours sleep. 4 the night before. Isn’t it interesting when you are slightly manic that you need no sleep? I adore sleep though, my dreams are so wonderful. A side effect of my meds also give me insomnia. Staying up till all hours while my husband is tucked snoring away frustrates the heck out of me.  I’ve tried sleep aids, Ambien was the absolute worse, it gave me sleep paralysis. I had never heard of it and wish I had never experienced it.  So utterly terrifying not be able to move or speak at all. I think the Ambien glitched something in my brain because when I get exhausted it still happens.

In my dreams I can do anything. I am working on accomplishing that in Real Life but after being housebound for the better part of 20ish years the steps are slow. Taking the dogs to around the block is a huge undertaking and makes me very proud of myself.  I want to be able to go out and eat and play.. One of my main goals is to go to Disneyland.

I live in California and it’s like 30 mins away! The one bad thing about California at least in the area I live in, there are tons of skinny young woman. I’m going to be 45 this year and am overweight and feel so self conscious, it makes it harder for me to go out.  I just picture them making fun of me. I suppose that would make me vain to think they would care but I can’t help it. Anyhow I think I blathered on enough today!

Damn Dogs!!

It is an amazing how much a 9 pound yorkie can mess my mood up. she has taken to biting when we try to move her away from something specially when there is food involved. While this is showing me that she has no respect for my authority it also hurts my feelings which is ridiculous. I think I might have to give her away because I don’t have the capability for getting her training and she needs to learn how to behave ..

Maybe they have in home training.

Either way she took what was a good mood day for me down to a sad day.. My emotions are far to fragile.. damn dog…

Wow Taking Meds Works?

I am starting to feel a little better now. My body isn’t hurting as much as it was before and I can actually stand without falling over. Yay!

I wish I could remember to take my pills, you would think that it is so vital for my existence to take them that I would remember. Pain, nausea, faintness heart palpitation’s for missing a week of Lamictal. Wish they warned you about those side effects.

The my viibryd works better than anything else I have taken and I think I have pretty much taken them all. Kind of like a last chance and I still manage to mess it up.

I am hoping that writing this blog will help both me and others if someone decides to read it.

Unmedicated I was a hot mess. I was violent and impulsive and so much more.. I came so close to losing the man of my dreams by pushing him away.  You definitely do not want to lose someone who always treats you with kindness regardless of how batshit crazy you act. It’s always so hard for us to have relationships. I don’t even have any friends because I don’t have the ability to be a responsive person. I disappear into the cracks for months then show up again.

Ugh I got off on a rant..  That’s me lol

Ow my brain hurts..

Yesterday I woke up feeling cheerful and hopeful, I talked my husbands ear off! I am sure he was quietly in his mind going omg woman shut up lol.  The day before that I couldn’t even get out of bed, let alone talk.. I just wanted to sleep and forget the world around me, moving was a pain both mentally and physically.  Depression is crippling and it makes me miss the mania.. I missed almost a week of my antipsychotic and it completely threw my emotions for a loop. I highly advise that you never ever go off your meds without the assistance of your doctor.

It always seem like a good idea to stop taking what I think is a poison that fills my veins, but it keeps me from completely ruining my life and/or killing myself. Even now with being on the meds I don’t have that much control over my emotions. People say to meditate or some other Zen type thing, but you have a gazillion thoughts racing through your head it is pretty much impossible..

Hopefully they will figure out my meds enough that I can have some semblance of a normal life.. I look forward to that day very much!