Despite going on the weed while I go off my meds. I’m starting to feeling miserable again.
I have no motivation and my mom is going to be here in less than 2 weeks and I need to get the house in order. Ugh.
I wish that I felt better. I’m so afraid of going on a brand new pill. Blech.
I didn’t write a blog yesterday because I plain didn’t want to. I wasn’t in the mood to do a damn thing. Not much in the mood for writing today either but I hate to miss so many days so close together. Someone might actually read what I say. I dunno why, I feel like a dumb fuck. I feel terrified about going on the new antidepressant. Needless to say I’ve been all kinds of blah.
Blah.
So today I went to my shrinks and she changed my meds. I am going off the latuda, down to 40 mgs for four days, than 20 mgs for four days. Than I start taking rexulti. I don’t know if it is going to do any better and I’m super nervous, changing meds is always very scary .
I trust her though. So it’s going to be ok.
I missed a blog cause I was stoned. I said I’ll remember than I didn’t.
Tonight I am playing with hubby before I smoke some weed cause it does make me a little dippy. I admit it. I mean that’s why there was no blog yesterday right? So we’re playing World of Warcraft, doing some raiding. I haven’t done that in a long time but I am feeling better. So the month without weed proved nothing other than I should maybe be smoking some weed. I’ve been in a decent mood the last few days and Weds night was awesome. Completely laughing my ass off till I cried awesome.
Tonight I’m just gonna chill and Netflix, HA! I’m gonna try and watch one of those shows hubby likes so much, so that I can join him for the second season. We’ll see if it’s something I will enjoy.
Today I am moody but I’m getting me some weed so I’ll be happier in a few hours. I think I’ll feel a lot better, a lot more relaxed and able to get into some music or TV. Right now I’m not in the mood to do anything, not even write my blog. So ya I think I’m done for the day.
Not sure where it comes from but it is certainly here. I guess I’m only allowed an OK day once in a while. Today I’ve cried over the world, the loss of my dog Ren and a few music videos that show what a sad state the world is in. I’m so sad about everything.
I suppose I should be glad that I just am feeling.
I gotta admit though I am looking forward to getting my weed back. I believe it’s been over a month or close to a month now. I’m going to be very high the day I get my weed. Very high.
Today actually turned out alright. I wasn’t super happy but I was able to enjoy watching some football and playing some WoW with my hubby.
When I woke up it felt like it was going to be like every other day but I guess I can have an OK day. Okay is better than down by a long shot right? Maybe tomorrow will be OK too, who knows. I’ll take anything but that damned depression.
Today I woke up depressed as usual. Hubby decided to put New Girl on Netflix and we watched several episodes and while I wasn’t laughing like him, I felt things lighten a little. Then I got hungry and he went out and picked me up something to eat. He really is a dear even though he can piss me off like no one else. Speaking of which when he came home he did something that pissed me off. I couldn’t let go of it and right now the pissed off feeling still lingers.
Thing is it was something stupid and trivial. I know I should just let it go but my body really loves to hold on the that anger. Or is it the brain? Probably both. I know I’ll calm down eventually but for now I am just pissed that I almost felt good and it’s gone now. FUCK!
Went and got my hopes up again yesterday. I woke up feeling just as crappy today as I have every other day but with less stress. I should feel happy about that at least but nope. I’m fucking miserable.
M I S E R A B L E
fuck.
I didn’t sleep very well last night, I wasn’t able to get past REM before I would be woken up by something or somebody. Then all today I had bottom issues. The stress of tomorrow and Thursday is really playing havoc on my body.
I’m so fucking stressed I seldom have a moment where I can relax.
I hate things that you HAVE TO DO!
I had forgotten just how bad my anxiety could get until this past week. At least it is keeping my mind off the depression which is still rearing it’s ugly head.
Blech.
A Bipolars Reality 