sleep paralysis

Movement Impossible

Again I spent the night fighting with my own body as it slipped into sleep paralysis again and again. I didn’t feel exhausted which is usually the precursor. Though honestly I think I may just be exhausted all the time so I never notice anymore. I had my husband hold my hand, not because it helps physically but emotionally I feel tethered.

It scares me though that my husband sleep so deep and can’t tell when someone is going on with me. I think I lost some of the security that he usually gives. So for hours and hours I would slip down into sleep paralysis sometimes making it to REM but I had so much anxiety I would kick myself out of it. It has been going on all night until noon today.

I don’t feel very good, my sinus’s are grody, my chest feels full and I know I have to go to the doctors tonight to make sure I don’t have pneumonia. Sleeping is just not going to happen.

I’m afraid! My stomach always feels full even when it is not so I imagine I will also get yet another endoscopy. I don’t mind that really. I’ve had 3 already. My great grandmother died from stomach cancer at around my age.. I’m so afraid of death. I mean most people are. Yet they live, they go on and do things with their lives. I am currently writing and feeling guilty.. death and guilt.. why couldn’t it be cake or death? I would most assuredly would take the cake or the chicken.. (Eddie Izzard)

I have made my husband an unhealthy weight with my insecurities. When he wanted to go to the gym or eat healthy I made him feel bad for doing so by accusing him for wanting to be with someone else.  Now I have no choice but to let him do those things because he needs to be healthy. He must outlive me. I couldn’t bear my life without him.

Fuck life would just be easier for everyone without me I swear.

 

My Smile Is Hidden From Me

I still plan to fight fight fight. I am starting to do things that I planned to do all along. I am writing my book and I am going to continue my blog and painting.

Though there is that scary anger that is often hidden just beyond the surface.  I can feel it there wanting to hurt someone. I haven’t felt it in a very long time and I want to plead with my husband to take the dogs and not come home or tie me up in the bedroom and just allow me enough room to use the facilities.  I bet he would if I asked him to, maybe I should ask him to.

I have no reason to be angry. My dog cried to be lifted up on the bed something that occurs daily and I often find cute. I screamed at him to shut the fuck up and closed them out of the room. I feel horrible which is just making me more angry. I am glad the windows and doors are sealed because I know it sounded like an insane person. I need to breathe and think.

This has been gone for a very long time I think my body realizes that it really has no meds in it except a tiny bit of a lithium and viibryd. I haven’t had to deal with this strong of an anger in a very long time. Hopefully it doesn’t last long because the things I have done in the past in anger still haunt me. They take away from the good person I try to be everyday. I want a hug and I want a punching bag and I want to place blame. The only person I can blame is myself. Apparently the lamictal did one little thing and that kept the she-hulk at bay.

My psychiatrist asked I would do therapy I said yes, yet there has been no attempt to connect me with one.. I would love one.. For now I have you guys. Hopefully just talking about it helps. If not I’ll have to look for other positive ways to deal.

It doesn’t help that I was having issues with sleep paralysis last night and it lasted over 4 minutes compared to the normal 30 seconds. Imagine being aware of yourself but unable to move at all, not even the flinch of a finger. I tried to rock my body back and forth nothing happened, my husband slept on peacefully unaware of what was happening to me.  I hate that shit..

Hallucinations.. Fun.. Not!

Sorry I didn’t write yesterday I was trying to live a somewhat normal life and fight down a huge pile of anger that was building in me. Seems about right, weeks of depression, a couple days of happiness possible hypomania, anger then repeat? That’s usually the way it is anyhow. I can’t tell today.

I am exhausted. Last night I couldn’t sleep, no idea why, I was pretty good the few days before it. I of course got over tired and then at 6-7am I decided to take some Benadryl to help me sleep. As I lay in med waiting for it to hopefully assist me, I started seeing colors and tentacles and dozing to sleep paralysis , mixing and repeating until probably about 8-8:30 where I finally fell into REM sleep, I never got past it.. I feel like a zombie.

It’s funny how the colors, the tentacle and the monsters peeking around the corner only phase me enough in the state, to sleep with my back against my husbands so I got both sides guarded. The sleep paralysis though I don’t know that I will ever get used to it.

I suppose since it is occurring more and more often I will need to do some sort of sleep test, how does one with social anxiety who frequently has insomnia sleep in a room where they are hooked up to wires and being watched? Can’t see that happening

I’m suppose I will just nap when I came because this sleeplessness can go on for days and days. Sweeter Dreams to all.