Month: August 2014

Creativity Ahoy

I am missing my computer. It had my photoshop and music and my photography all on y computer. I miss my stuff. I am going to be painting today I think. I need to use my creativity. It makes me feel good.

I am setting up a chiropractor appt because something hurts in my upper back and I want to start working out again. I need to work on my physical attributes. Losing weight will help me feel better and it will make me look better and all of that will help me mentally I think.

I am curious what my doctors will think to do with me medicinally. Things can’t stay the way they are. I need to move forward. I have had some happy moments which is good. Those weren’t happening that often before.

After I get to working out and get my back fixed I am thinking of going out more.. We went to the movies once already which was something for me and I want to go back and see tmnt. I think it will be cut, but maybe three is a horror movie playing whichever be even better..

We’ll see!

What To Do?

I have been feeling off, I can’t allow this to control my life though. I have a cold and I should just be resting to get over it. Instead I have been worried about death. It’s filled my thoughts constantly nagging me. Pulling at my heart and soul. I want to live it a long life. I want to enjoy life. I want to be with Jim as long as I can be.
I have to stop living in fear, fear does nothing but waste life. I need to life life life.. Enjoy the wonderful things in life. The plants, the clear blue skies. The zoo, the movies. My art. I need to live.
I need to be medicated again and I am looking forward tackling with my shrink and therapist about working on my bipolarity and helping me live life again. I was doing fabulous before I came back here and I’ve backslide. I do that too much. I can’t allow myself to be pushed back to nothing again.
I am strong!

No More ECT

I thought that it was going to be a big miracle thing. All it had accomplished was making me feel like everything is wrong with the world. Nothing feels right. I did not go Monday and I don’t think I will return to it.

I have a hard enough time feeling at peace in the world. I never feel like I belong anywhere and I was finally starting to feel that way before I decided to go and zap my brain. I didn’t nt to return after the first time but I allowed people to make me feel bad about the choice of stopping instead of being true to myself.

I’m ok with this choice. I am going to go see my therapist and shrink on Friday and see what I can do medicinally. I’m open to a lot more things now. I’ve haven’t been doing my blogs like I should and that makes me sad. I don’t want to miss out on my writing or my support. I need that more than anything else.

Still No Clue

I still don’t know what I am going to do. I do know I am exhausted and have dozed off a few times today. I still don’t feel good about what went down so I am not serif I am going to move forward with treatment. I hope that Coe morning I am feeling. Ore secure in my decision to either go ahead with treatment or not. BFF says to keep doing it and hubby says he’ll support me no matter what I decide so I’ll know in a few hours one way or another.

Either way this has been a learning experience…

Don’t Think I Am Going Back

Three times and all I feel is messed up. Nothing feels like it should be the way that it’s supposed to. I just feel so off and feel like I have undone months and months of work towards going outside. I’m not happier. In fact every time I wake up I feel more confused and feel like I’ve been emotionally ripped apart and put back together high and fucked up.

I hate how I’ve been feeling. I hate it. Nothing feels right. Everything in my life feels wrong since I started and I just don’t think it is going to make me feel good when it is making me feel so damn bad. I think that I’ll go back to trying pills again..

At least I tried.. That’s all you can do.

This Hospital Sucks

As you know I tired to cancel my appt but was talked into continuing. Right now I am again wondering why the hell I am doing this.

My appt was supposed to be for noon and we get here and they are backed up all to hell and back again and I was told my appt wasn’t supposed to be until one. Hello I have a piece of paper that tells me to be here at noon but no now I have to wait.

I haven’t drank or ate anything since 10:30 last night. I am hungry and thirsty and feel not quite myself. I am having a lot of anxiety about this and I am also feeling really disconnected from life. It’s pissing me off.

I completely forgot the fact my husband had to go into work Tuesday night, which I am my sure eat that pissed me off.

I’m frustrated more than words can describe. Maybe this was all a mistake.. I don’t know that I feel any better because I don’t feel right at all.

Thanks Marty

I had basically decided that I was not giving to go to my appt tomorrow but when I called and canceled I got a call back from Marty a nurse that works in the office. She was concerned and didn’t want me to quick unit they had a chance to work.

I told her I was terrified and having a lot of anxiety. She told me they wouldn’t let me die. I’m gonna hold her to that.

Waiting for hubby to come home so that I can have my last meal of the day. I’m not sure what I am having yet. Hopefully this weekend will allow my brain to become more focused and less anxious. I have a feeling that will take a while though.

Am I less depressed? Dunno too damned anxious.. Ugh

Session Two Down

I’ve made it through my second session. I had a heck of a headache afterwards but it has started to clean up and just be a dull ache in the back of my head.

I didn’t know if I would go through with it but sometimes I surprise even myself.

This time they gave me a physical, it was supposed to happen last time but somehow it got over looked. I think most of the people that work there have been exposed to the ECT a little long. They are really nice though.

The PA who did my physical and I had a conversation about mania and people purposely cycling to become manic. Apparently this damages the brain though. I’ve only purposely cycled a couple times and honestly have forgotten how I did it.

If I am lucky I won’t have my extreme mania after these sessions. One again I am not 100% sure if I am going to go again. I jut haven’t made up mind. The fact that I am terrified of dying is really not helping though.

Make no promises, let no one down!

Forward Ho!

Today my head is clear and I am already been giving the normal life stresses that just happen. Hubby has to go into work tonight for several hours, while I won’t be alone this will be stressful as I am tying to mentally prepare for my ECT session tomorrow.

I’m not 100% sure that I am going but I haven’t ruled it out yet either. It will all depend on how well I sleep I suppose. My head is a little aches but not too bad. My chin hurts a little and my ankle is bruised. I can live with all these things.

If it works for my depression that would be nice. Yesterday I felt so off afterwards that it was really off putting. At first I thought I definitely would not return but I am hoping to have the courage to at least do this week and we how I am feeling.

I saw a lot of people there who looked really out of it before going in and that worries me too. I want to be self aware at all times. There is no point in getting better if I’m a bumbling idiot.

I suppose I am kind of arguing with myself but that’s what a blog is for right?

After My First Session

When I first woke up I was just groggy and dozed on and off for a while. When it was time for me to go my head was hurting a little but not so bad really. Just a slight headache and I was nauseated but my stomach was definitely off. It just felt weird.

I think the worst part is that I am experiencing a lot of anxiety. I’m anxious about being alone tomorrow. I’m anxious about side effects that haven’t occurred yet. I’m worried about taking my anti anxiety meds. I am sure the anxiety will pass but it makes me hesitate to repeat the process.

I think that I will decide after tomorrow. I do feel better than I first did. I wish I could find something that made my stomach feel settled. My brain would feel settled. I am just off.

By the way why does and anestsia (sp?) hurt so fucking much when it enters your vein. We’ll see how it goes. Least my memory is ok so far.

I’m glad they decided to go with unilateral though. I think that bilateral would have been worse.