Today I got all my Christmas wrapping done. Which means I also got all my Christmas shopping done.. Thank you Amazon!
I didn’t accomplish much else but one thing a day right.
Yesterday I went out to the grocery store and tomorrow I am going to my sister in laws for my nephews birthday. The holiday season has begun!
Anxiety be damned…
I almost dread the good days because I know they don’t last very long.
Yesterday I was in a good mood, I actually got some shit done around the house. I cleaned laundry, picked up some around the house and then spent the day watching Glimore girls and the occasional Boss Ross video.
Today I woke up and feel overwhelmed. I know I have things I need to get done for Christmas and for my father in law’s visit. He will be here in 5 days!
The house isn’t in that bad of shape I suppose. Mostly it’s little things. However it is the little things that make my brain overload and want to shut down.
At least I wrote my blog today.
I woke up first thing this morning (well 11:00am) and went straight to the phone to order my xanax as my prescription only has about 8 days left and I don’t want to be without for even a minute. I’ve noticed that one of the few things I actually manage to keep track of despite having alarms.
As you know I set an alarm to write each day, sometimes I don’t follow through. I could even be sitting right here at the computer and not do it. I don’t know why. Motivation is very hard.
Yesterday I emptied the sink into the dishwasher it was crammed packed with dishes and I thought maybe it would be good if the sink looked nice. So I did something yesterday as far as an accomplishments. Just a little one a day might lead to bigger and better things.
It’s 11:16am and I’ve already done my blog.. Today is a good day.
I know it, I suck. I have barely been posting this holiday season. I just haven’t felt like writing. I painted last night though. Me and the sister in law followed a Bob Ross Video and proceeded to try to repeat the process in acrylics. I think they both turned out pretty cool.
It was family night so mom in law was over too for a time and we got to chat and hang.
I got drunk last night, it was a mistake. Feel like crap today.
Giving up weed for a month again. Going to see if that helps with the brain at all. Mostly I’m concerned about the paranoia. I hope it’s the pot. Though I’ve been paranoid in the past and it’s all been me, so I’ll just have to wait and see. I know giving up weed during the holidays is asking for trouble but I’m tired of being the whacked out girl too. I just spent the last month high every single day from morning until bed. It’s crazy and it’s fucking expensive. My husband is supportive either way, which is awesome.
It’s remarkable because I didn’t realize how damn numb I was until I wasn’t anymore. I’m not sure what to do about feelings. I cry, I get jealous, I get angry, I laugh, I feel joy and I feel like I’m spinning, like my head just won’t focus on one thing for very long. You know those racing thoughts? I only got four hours of sleep last night because of them and a headache. I need my brain to slow down. I’m still not motivated to do much either. gah.
I haven’t felt like I have had even one word to write so I have written in a couple/few days.
I still don’t know how much I have to say. I am weepy and unmotivated and feeling a little lost.
My father in law is coming for Christmas and I really wanted to be able to just chill with my husband this year. I’m tired of his showing up for all the damn holidays and I get no fucking time with my husband. Ok vent ended.
Other than that I have started watching Gilmore Girls right from the beginning before I get to their new movie/series thingy.
Hopefully I get the urge to write soon, I miss it but my mind is a flipping blank most of the time.
“I’m gonna get the fire started. Impossible for you to breathe.” (cascada – pyromania)
Yep those lyrics basically describe how my anxiety has been lately. It’s all calm then all of a sudden I’m getting a hot flash and an anxiety attack.
My mood has been fairly good though. My mind has been quick. These are good things.
So it’s definitely improving.
I’m not writing as often as I like but I’ve noticed that I’m just not motivated at all. I think it’s the weed. I shouldn’t have got more but I thought all I can do is make things better right?
Wrong. I do absolutely nothing.
The new meds have caused me to gain over 20 fucking pounds! After losing over 60 this is a real kick in the face.
I didn’t want to write my blog today, it’s been a day of lounging around napping and trying to make the time go faster so I’m not alone.
Yet here I am writing the blog, because hubby reminded me and then reminded me I would likely be unhappy if I didn’t.
Today was hard to tell where my mood level was. Not up though.
Yesterday I had a wonderful day. I was happy! Yep that’s right HAPPY!. I forgot what that felt like.
Today I had a hard time getting out of bed though. I lay there for 3 hours just riddled with anxiety over nothing.
I think this new med is helping. I think I’m gonna need more meds. I don’t think the rexulti is going to do it all on it’s own. They even advertise it as something to help with antidepressants. So I wonder what my shrink will try to do.
Still feeling hopeful though.
Tonight I went over to my mother in laws and had Thanksgiving dinner. It was lovely and the food was delish. I was drunk before we ate. The wine just slid down my throat so easily, you know how that can be when you are anxious.
My niece hugged me tonight and it made me feel wonderful.
It was a good day all in all. There was some Skip-bo. I’m not sure if that is the correct spelling of it, but it was fun. I didn’t win and I didn’t care. It was just chill.
Mom in law sent us home with food stuffs and a couple of bottles of wine. I know what I’m doing tomorrow. I’ll be out of weed again.
Should I get more or just give my brain some time to figure out the new med, let me know your opinion.
My husband reminded me that I had to do my blog. He shut off my alarm, I was apparently too engrossed in my samples to even hear it. It’s annoying and I don’t blame him and besides that I’m here right? lol.
My mood has been kind of mehish with a little happy thrown in here and there.
In a couple days I will be out of weed and I’ll not get any for a while to see if it makes any difference as well. I think it will be interesting to know since scientists aren’t allowed to do experiments with it right?
A Bipolars Reality 