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Home Coming

Today I went out to the lot no there was this sign imagePretty awesome ya? We are meeting the the builders on Thursday and they are staking the land next week as well. I’m excited!!

Tomorrow we are going out to the lot again me the model so that mom can show it to her husband as she would like to see about getting a similar house in the area.

It’s been a day where I have been out for most of it and I’ve been running up and down stairs and frankly I am exhausted.

Either way it was a mostly good day. The only time I got upset was when hubby said I couldn’t have this adorable hot pink purse and frankly he was right, we need the money for our down payment. It was so cute though

Also I am starting a painting for my sister in law, hope it turns out the way it is in my head.. Anyhow tootles until tomorrow.

Still No Clue

I still don’t know what I am going to do. I do know I am exhausted and have dozed off a few times today. I still don’t feel good about what went down so I am not serif I am going to move forward with treatment. I hope that Coe morning I am feeling. Ore secure in my decision to either go ahead with treatment or not. BFF says to keep doing it and hubby says he’ll support me no matter what I decide so I’ll know in a few hours one way or another.

Either way this has been a learning experience…

Don’t Think I Am Going Back

Three times and all I feel is messed up. Nothing feels like it should be the way that it’s supposed to. I just feel so off and feel like I have undone months and months of work towards going outside. I’m not happier. In fact every time I wake up I feel more confused and feel like I’ve been emotionally ripped apart and put back together high and fucked up.

I hate how I’ve been feeling. I hate it. Nothing feels right. Everything in my life feels wrong since I started and I just don’t think it is going to make me feel good when it is making me feel so damn bad. I think that I’ll go back to trying pills again..

At least I tried.. That’s all you can do.

This Hospital Sucks

As you know I tired to cancel my appt but was talked into continuing. Right now I am again wondering why the hell I am doing this.

My appt was supposed to be for noon and we get here and they are backed up all to hell and back again and I was told my appt wasn’t supposed to be until one. Hello I have a piece of paper that tells me to be here at noon but no now I have to wait.

I haven’t drank or ate anything since 10:30 last night. I am hungry and thirsty and feel not quite myself. I am having a lot of anxiety about this and I am also feeling really disconnected from life. It’s pissing me off.

I completely forgot the fact my husband had to go into work Tuesday night, which I am my sure eat that pissed me off.

I’m frustrated more than words can describe. Maybe this was all a mistake.. I don’t know that I feel any better because I don’t feel right at all.

The Lovely Dani

The Lovely Dani.

A short tale or me and. My BFF, too tired to post.

Things Kind Of Suck

Things are just tense. My husband and I are constantly bickering. I mean honestly I think he is just doing stupid ass shit and pissing me off. Then when I get angry he gets all defensive and hurts my feelings and ,I get angrier.

Seriously we never fight. Even the stuff we are fighting over is absolutely ridiculous.

It’s stressful to say the least. We are going to be going away for the weekend the weekend after this upcoming one. I think I might not blog for two days and just enjoy some time with my husband.

That will be pretty hard for me to do though. I need to connect with my man though. We still haven’t had sex and we just aren’t spending time together and when we are it is in bed at night, going to the store or maybe to get some food. Even sitting here now we are bickering over where to restart a show.

Usually we just are so chill. It’s starting to scare me. 😦 Six months is going to be a very long time if things continue down this path.

Some Good Stuff

Today we went and signed the contract for our new home. I took some pictures of the model home we are getting a copy made of. The decor will be different but the layout will be the same. Enjoy the pics!

Things Are Just Weird

Nothing feels right. The whole world feels kind of like a rally stupid movie that I am not rally a part of.

Things are not turning out like I had planned. We are in our third week here and all we’ve done is sort of pick things out for a house we are going to be moving into in 6-7 months time.

I thought come Halloween we would be settled into some cut little house with a fenced yard and be starting to decorate.

I’m glad we are having a house built for us, but at the same time I feel a lot of disconcerntment. I am used to a lot of time alone with my husband and now I get pretty much zero unless we leave the house or are in the bedroom.

I am even missing my computer at least then I would be distracted, maybe we can get them out of storage. I’ll ask Jim. Something’s got to give and I prefer it not be me.

I had to give up the beta blockers because apparently it was helping this depressive state get down right unbearable. Like depression is ever bearable but I could barely move last night or today. Right now I still want to curl up and hide.

I’m not going to though. At least not today. Tomorrow may be different, who knows.

It’s so hard to believe that I am looking forward to someone shocking my brain even at the risk of losing some potential memories just to not feel like this anymore. I can’t wait though. Time needs to move at a better pace.

A Dream Comes True?

Tomorrow at ton in the morning we have a meeting with the contract woman about getting our home built and buying the lots. I dunno what’s going to happen at it I do know that it is going to be stressful though.

I would think that a good thing wouldn’t cause me anxiety but really everything does. I started to take my beta blocker tonight, didn’t really get to test it out though. I’ll take one with my clonezapem in the morning and see if it helps take the edge off.

I’ve read a lot of really good things about beta blockers and social anxiety I hope that it works well for me. I’d like to get back to working outside of the house eventually.

Today was uneventful really, I just won’t the whole day hunkered down on the couch watching a big brother marathon to get caught up. I thought I was lonely but it wasn’t too bad.

Stress and Insects

So I already freaked out about going to the shrink and therapist tomorrow. I don’t know if it is the fact that my mother in law is taking me or the fact that I am not feeling good or just the fact that I just feel like I’ve been thrown into a mess of stress.

Either way my tummy is upset and I’m trying to chill but tonight as I am getting into bed to write this very blog I found a fucking tick on me. I have never in my life had a tick on me. I didn’t scream and run in circles but I wanted to. I did cry, I admit it. I think that I handled it like a trooper though.

However now I am freaked and itchy and seriously hate the fucking bugs. They used to leave me alone because I was filled with medications that must have smelt or tasted like poison to them. Yet another good reason to get medicated.

Hopefully by next week we will be giving the people the information to build our new home and this will all seem worth it, until that time I might just go a little batty.