depression

Later…

It’s been a couple of days since my ketamine treatment. I feel a little weird and anxious, yesterday was worse but I am also in a decently good mood.

I have severe social anxiety and agoraphobia. Today I walked around a grocery store by myself!!! I’m hoping this means I can get out even more. When I was there, I didn’t even have a panic attack. Remarkable.

My panic attacks are typically about breathing or not being able to breathe. So, I am having some small anxiety about the back of my throat. It’s a little irritated from the ketamine. Also, ketamine has to be one of the most foul-tasting things on the earth, lol.

We have been going out once a week on the weekends. Exposure therapy works. We like to go and hang at the casino and play the slots. Normally we would also have dinner but currently I have no teeth, thanks to my poor oral hygiene. That’s a story for another day though.

Third Session

This session was way better than number two. There still was a little dizziness when I closed my eyes, but the room wasn’t spinning. About halfway through I started smiling and really enjoying my music. I am not a person who can sit still. I think it’s because of my ADHD honestly, but I really wanted to dance.

I texted my husband and my mom to kind of keep myself in check.

Today I feel a little off kilter, but I jumped out of bed and turned my tunes on and started singing and dancing. I mean what’s up with that. I’ve basically been feeling little to nothing for the last 6 months. I hide it well because otherwise my husband wants to help and most of the time he can do nothing but give me cuddles and love. Though there is nothing wrong with that. His hugs are like heaven.

I don’t go back until Weds but if anything changes with me, I will come and tell y’all about it.

Second Dose

I was not feeling very well yesterday. Tummy and bottom problems. I knew I had to go get my treatment regardless so there I went.

At first it seemed like it was going to be like the other appointment, but it turned out to be very different.

They took my blood oxygen and blood pressure to make sure I could actually take my ketamine. Pretty normal for the course. I was a little high in my blood pressure due to the sick anxiety. It was low enough to take my doses though. The first time they gave me two doses, 2 in each nostril. This time it was 3 and the way that I felt was not great.

Have you ever been so drunk that you got the spins? Well, it was a lot like that. Not pleasant at all. It lasted into the night, maybe a little bit this morning as well. The dizziness not the “high”. I really don’t understand why someone would do this for pleasure. I’m hoping my appointment today goes a little better.

I’m not going to quit unless there is a medical reason to do so. I’m hoping all of this will be worth it in the end.

Til tommorow.

First Session

Thanks to my anxiety I arrived at my shrinks place nauseated and a little jittery. I should have taken a Xanax or something before I started but I know well enough for next time.

The actual session took a while to start because my blood pressure started off pretty high due to the anxiety. I did finally get down to a great blood pressure and I was given the ketamine in two doses. It didn’t burn my nose which I was expecting. The after taste was not great though. Luckily they had hard candies to suck on to get rid of it.

About 30 minutes in I felt a wave of warmth spread through my body and I felt happy listening to the music I bought. It was this really cute korean band. Stray kids. You should check them out. I might need to bring something more relaxing next time because I kept wanting to get up and dance. Maybe some disturbed for next one.

Afterwards I was fine, I little wobbly but we went out to the casino and by the time we got there. About 25 mins, I felt like myself.

I’m really looking forward to the next one. Being able to go off several of my meds would be amazing.

Another Day At Another Time

Right now, things are going pretty well. I’m still kind of really having problems writing my blog.

I’ve started doing exposure therapy to solve this damn agoraphobia. It’s not going to bad. I am most anxious when I am in the car. Nebraska drivers suck.

I’m really tired of not sleeping through the night. It happens about 5 days a week. I used to come upstairs in my recliner and pass out, but the chair broke so I have to buy a new one. We did buy a weighted blanket that promptly dropped 100’s of tiny beads all over the bed. I did sleep through the night though, so we are getting a new one.

Well, I’m going to go now. I’ll write again soon.

Day 6

Today my mood was pretty good. Nothing got me down. My husband even had to work late and I was totally chill about it.

Today the puppy was awesome and would told to go potty, she runs to the peepads and goes, like on command. It’s nice because I know she won’t (hopefully) pee on the comforter again.

Sorry I’m too stoned to write, it’s taken me forever to write this. This was not my intention, I thought that Iwould be able to write better but clearly not, eep. \_O_/

The Rexulti withdrawal was fine today on the first day of going down to 1mgs.

Day 4

Today I’ve been sluggish and had a bit of a headache. You know one of those ones that are just on the edge of turning into something? I don’t like to take medications so I have just tolerated it. I think it’s the withdrawal from the Rexulti.

The puppy is doing well but really limiting where I can go in my house. She doesn’t want to chill on my lap upstairs so I have to stay downstairs. It’s just too dangerous up here.

My mood is on the edge of pissy, it wasn’t too bad earlier but as the day has gone on it has gotten worse. I think it’s because I feel like a prisoner at the moment. Now I brought this on myself. I wanted another puppy because I was feeling that I had more love to give. I do love Dani to pieces too, I just am missing doing some of my normal stuff. Usually I play some WoW or do some face booking. I’m spending a lot of time watching TV, which I do that too but now is it feeling kind of forced.

Well that’s it for today. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Rexulti

So my shrink only gave me two sample packs of Rexulti which is only enough to last a week, as I take 3mg pills and these are ones and twos, so I am going to just wean myself off it and hope that it doesn’t hurt too bad. The withdrawal sounds like it is going to suck. I just don’t know what else to do, I know the appeal is going to fail or has already failed. I can’t afford 900 bucks a month. Wish I could.  So starting tomorrow I’ll be taking 2mg for 5 days, then 1 mg for 7 days. Then it will be done.

The pup is a handful as she is going none stop now. Constantly running, playing and biting. Damn her little teeth hurt so much, I am trying to train her to only chew on toys but my the bruises on my arms and hands mean I’m not being very successful yet. Little bugger was even pulling on my hair. She’s adorable though and when hubby gets home he gives me a hand with her. That’s how I get a break to write my blog, I could never have her up here where there is a gazillion cords for her to bite through.

My mood today has been kind of down. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and when I realized the doctor hadn’t given me enough rexulti I just got pissy feeling. I hate having to depend on other people because most times I find that you can’t.  I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day and am looking forward to going to bed very much. Only another 2 hours to go!

Wish me luck!

Frigging Snow

Today I woke up to a world covered in snow, hell it’s still snowing. It might make it so that I can’t make it to my shrinks tomorrow and I’m out of rexulti.  Do you ever just know things aren’t going to work out? I’m feeling slightly pessimistic right now.  The drugstore called me and I have no idea why and of course I didn’t get the message until after they were closed so now I have to wait for that until tomorrow.

On the Dani front, the pup seems to be feeling much better now that she has a couple days worth of antibiotics in her. She’s still coughing but she is running around and having a blast. The other two dogs are still getting used to her, Lilly our littlest is being a super bitch to her, she actually bit at her face and pulled out some fur. We’ll be taking the puppy with us when we go out so as not to leave them alone. I honestly thought she would love the puppy the most since Charlie never plays with her and she is only a couple years old, still a puppy herself. I think she is jealous at this point and I know it will pass.

On the mood front, I had an ok day, not a great mood and not a lot of sleep because who knew it would be so difficult sleeping with 3 dogs in a king sized bed. We’ll work it out though.  Trying to stay on the positive side of things is definitely difficult to say the least. Kind of looking forward to when I can smoke weed again. Just something to look forward to I guess.

Well that’s it for today. Least I’m blogging.

 

Another Good Day

It was another good day, though a tiring one. I am used to sleeping until noon because my sleep is so messed up and I was up at 8:15 this morning. Gotta take care of the new puppy. I decided to call her Dani after my late best friend. She was a huge lover of dogs and even volunteered for her local shelter, so that just seem like the perfect name to call the new little one.

My mood has stayed up the whole day even though I had to miss a dose of one of my meds because the script hasn’t been filled yet, I hate that. Having to depend so much on doctors and pharmacists is a real pain in the ass. I hate missing doses, but maybe I’ll get a hypo-manic phase out of it 😉

Well that’s all for today.