I’ve been mostly paralyzingly depressed for quite a while and did not feel up to doing anything. I’m starting to feel a little better and thought I should at least write an update.
My shrink has me back on wellbutrin and pristiq but has added in rexulti to make them work better. We haven’t reached goal yet but at least there is some movement out of depression. I’m still sleeping a lot. I love dreaming and when I get up I’m up for 5 hours before my husband is due home compared to 9 hours if I woke up when regular people do.
I’ve been outside a little bit. Walking with hubby around the neighborhood. That’s something at least, cause I think there was a couple months where I went no where at all.
Little steps. Getting it done.
I need to get out of here. I don’t need to leave for more than a few days but I need a change.
Today’s accomplishments were cleaning up the floors, and doing a couple of loads of laundry and actually putting it away. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do some more and finally get caught up. I’m still finding it hard to get motivated. I feel like a Emo kid. Sigh I don’t want to do anything but maybe if I start something, than I’m all like what the fuck did I get myself into and that’s how I get anything done at all. Which I really haven’t much, which is why I haven’t posted.
Only reason I am posting today is I’m stoned and accidentally went to my blog page. Then I had to write. I mean I do want to write more don’t get me wrong, again it’s that lack of motivation thing happening. I wish I could force myself to sleep just whenever and than I would have a way to pass time.
Even looking for a way to finish this is exhausting.
I almost dread the good days because I know they don’t last very long.
Yesterday I was in a good mood, I actually got some shit done around the house. I cleaned laundry, picked up some around the house and then spent the day watching Glimore girls and the occasional Boss Ross video.
Today I woke up and feel overwhelmed. I know I have things I need to get done for Christmas and for my father in law’s visit. He will be here in 5 days!
The house isn’t in that bad of shape I suppose. Mostly it’s little things. However it is the little things that make my brain overload and want to shut down.
At least I wrote my blog today.
I know it, I suck. I have barely been posting this holiday season. I just haven’t felt like writing. I painted last night though. Me and the sister in law followed a Bob Ross Video and proceeded to try to repeat the process in acrylics. I think they both turned out pretty cool.
It was family night so mom in law was over too for a time and we got to chat and hang.
I got drunk last night, it was a mistake. Feel like crap today.
Giving up weed for a month again. Going to see if that helps with the brain at all. Mostly I’m concerned about the paranoia. I hope it’s the pot. Though I’ve been paranoid in the past and it’s all been me, so I’ll just have to wait and see. I know giving up weed during the holidays is asking for trouble but I’m tired of being the whacked out girl too. I just spent the last month high every single day from morning until bed. It’s crazy and it’s fucking expensive. My husband is supportive either way, which is awesome.
It’s remarkable because I didn’t realize how damn numb I was until I wasn’t anymore. I’m not sure what to do about feelings. I cry, I get jealous, I get angry, I laugh, I feel joy and I feel like I’m spinning, like my head just won’t focus on one thing for very long. You know those racing thoughts? I only got four hours of sleep last night because of them and a headache. I need my brain to slow down. I’m still not motivated to do much either. gah.
My husband reminded me that I had to do my blog. He shut off my alarm, I was apparently too engrossed in my samples to even hear it. It’s annoying and I don’t blame him and besides that I’m here right? lol.
My mood has been kind of mehish with a little happy thrown in here and there.
In a couple days I will be out of weed and I’ll not get any for a while to see if it makes any difference as well. I think it will be interesting to know since scientists aren’t allowed to do experiments with it right?
I was so excited yesterday that I went for a walk through the schramm park. I’d finally have something to write a blog post about. Than I forgot to post at all.
Today I have been doing some painting. There is some great music playing and there is a noticeable mood level. I felt happy today. Happy! I haven’t felt that in a very long time. I hope that means this is the drug for me.
Harder not to feel hopeful.
45 mins to midnight and I remembered to write my blog, woot! Okay so no actual woot. I’m feeling super bitchy. I’m sitting here eating cotton candy and just feeling very frustrated.
I thought I might be coming out of my depression but I’m still finding it hard to find happiness. You know there are dribs and drabs here and there and I probably should just enjoy what I’ve got, but I’m greedy and want to feel more than a moment of happiness. I want a day, maybe a week. That would be awesome.
I think I need to have more meds added back in. I was hoping that I wouldn’t need to do that, but I can’t deal with bitchy. It makes me push away the person I love in the world. Tomorrow is another day.
When I woke up this… well when I woke up today I felt like the clouds had parted a little. I’m not happy by any means, but I laughed and smiled today. I also have one hell of a temper today too though. I’m feeling emotional. I guess that is better than down right?
I hope that it means this depressive cycle is finally ending, it’s really been going on rather long and I’m super tired.
Today is family dinner night and my mother in law and niece are over for tacos. I’m finding it hard to socialize though. I kind of just want to crawl into myself and listen to music for a while. I put my music on while I’m writing my blog so I can feel lighter. Does that make sense? I have no idea anymore.
I walked to the mailbox which is halfway down the road, so that was my accomplishment for the day, though I suppose making dinner and socializing could count as accomplishments too.
The hardest thing about not having the weed is I’m having a hard time finding food I want to eat. I have to force myself to eat 350 calories at 10pm so that my Latuda works the way it is supposed to. I just find food really unpleasant at the moment, well for the last several months.
I dragged the back of a butcher knife down my arm wishing that I could cut it just a little. I know it’s not healthy. I wouldn’t admit that anywhere but here though. I don’t need anyone worrying about me more than they are already worried. I promised hubby I would go to the hospital if things get worse so he doesn’t need to know about my little fantasy.
I think I’m going to be OK this cycle. Maybe I’ll get a nice little break and hubby will be right about the weed fucking me up more than helping. I promised him a month. That’s all he’s getting though if he’s wrong.
It didn’t go like planned last night. We ordered two pizza’s and mom in law came for dinner but sis in law could only stop in a few minutes because she had a date. Got to meet him, he seemed nice.
I did at least get to finally get my stone back on. I’m a happier camper. Though honestly my mood has been improving with each day. Also my emotions are all showing, it’s interesting, I didn’t realize just how numb I really was until I cried at a sad video and got angry at a slight done to me. Plus they weren’t over the top and the anger didn’t last long after I got to my punching bag. Best thing hubby ever bought for us. You scream and kick the hell out of it. Very relaxing. Hmm that sounds weird but that is the way it makes me feel.
Today I haven’t done really much at all. I did eat some banana bread without thinking food is yucky, so that’s good. Mostly I’ve just been ‘chillin’ and listening to some tunes. Which is also very relaxing. Feels like a Sunday but it’s only Thursday. I love it when hubby takes the week off work to spend time with me and his computer. *wink*
Today I have been in an ok mood. Not super happy, but definitely not depressed.
I’m still feeling very unmotivated. I don’t want to do anything but get high and listen to music.
I think that’s what I’ll do with my evening.