Depression

I’m Happy So I’ll Kill Myself

Seems kind of a stupid thought right? I have been mostly up with a few sobbing/depressive moments the last few days. I put on some 80’s music and was playing on my computer. I started having memories about certain songs. Just heading down the melancholy highway when I thought to myself wouldn’t it be better to kill myself right now instead of having to go down to the horrible heart wrenching sorrow I can feel just heart beats away? I’m happy, I’m manic I’m so happy wouldn’t I want it to end on a high note?

After that hubby and I went for a drive to get a new keyboard for me, we forgot it was Easter.. so happy Easter to anyone who celebrates that sort of thing. I told him that the thought had popped into my head and I would like him to dole out my medications. It would help me remember and it would basically keep the shit out of my hands. I get impulsive I know it. I try to keep things out of my reach that can kill me. There is no taking that back if you succeed. I don’t want to be depressed again but I am not ready to die either.

I’ve gotten to experience happiness again, it may not last forever but it will come back, I realize that as long as I am trying to figure things out medically and emotionally I will find some mental peace. Just have to breathe and take it one day at a time.

Okay I’m Officially Tired Of Vegas

I woke up (this is s a loose term) this morning to the feel of complete exhaustion both mentally and physically. I have pushed myself so hard the last few days that I have come to my end. I am gonna stay in the room the rest of the day. I’m not having fun and I am tired of hearing and smelling people. Yup smelling it’s gotten so crowded you can smell all the smokers, the people who put on way to much cologne or perfume and armpits.. blech.. just nasty.

Last night the hotel exploded with people coming in for Easter Weekend, even at 1am there were tons of people packed all around me.

Hubby is mad at me because I came to visit him at the Pai Gow Table, he didn’t seem to be happy I was there so I left and came back to the room. Then I get back here and he’s like come back, but it was really hard for me to be there the first time. Even coming up to the room the floor kind of moved under my feet I thought I was going to keel over.. So tired

Tomorrow I start on 2 300mgs of Lithium, I’m a little scared but I have to do it. Then I have my blood test on Thursday. Hopefully everything works out ok.

I’m gonna sign off since my mom in law is here and when I write tomorrow it will be on my computer instead of my laptop. Thanks for reading.

I did have a minor breakdown this morning, today might get better.. hehe

Always Thinking

I think way to much and my thoughts are always spinning like the tires of a car going 100 miles an hour.

Tonight I got to thinking about the new shrink I see on Tuesday and what they were going to do with me. I’m scared to be honest. They don’t know me from dick. I know what’s wrong with me, in fact I know I haven’t been completely diagnosed as I am 98% sure I also have borderline personality disorder. I’ll need to start therapy for that, but it will wait until I get home.

I’ve become very self aware in the last 6 months. Understanding the things going on with me. Not just the bipolarity and depression. All the things that are really wrong with the way I think and the way I react. I am seldom positive. I am always filled with worries.

I thought when we found out we were going to back to Omaha I could stop stressing about that. Now we need to know the exact date and need to start getting things organized and until they are, I don’t know that I will feel calm. Even knowing those things I highly doubt will help at all. I’ll start worrying about the drive through the mountains and staying with my mom in law until we get a house.

I don’t know how to stop and enjoy the moment. I might have an hour or two where my mind is focused on something like a movie and I’m fortunate enough that it draws me in. Other than that it’s always yapping at me about one thing or another.

The paranoia about my husband leaving me still comes frequently even though we have been together 13 years and he still is as affectionate if not more then he’s ever been. He is always looking after me. I don’t deserve him. He deserves so much better. I know if I don’t figure out a way to deal with these insecurities something bad will happen. I always expect that anyhow so I don’t think I would be all that surprised.

My mom said she would still come visit regardless of where I live just not as long. I understand this, but I have bet it won’t even be for a few years. Who wants to be in Omaha but me really?

I know hubby would be happy in California if we did things but I can’t grow here and he is willing to relocate for me.. When is he going to get selfish? Argghh. I hate my brain

So Restless

I absolutely hate this. I can’t sleep at night and during the day I am just restless. Nothing seems to hold my mind for more than 30 mins at most.

I’m not unhappy but I am also not happy. I keep trying to do all the things that I usually love. Heck I have been trying to do these things for the last few months and they just hold no joy for me.

I want to go out but really there is no where to go since we are using all our ‘dating money’ for the Vegas trip.

I did clean but it was so overwhelming and honestly when I finish a room I don’t get that sense of accomplishment it just feels like I’ve made a tiny dent and I still have so much to do.

Have I mentioned that I have too many clothes? I have literally 7-8 garbage bags full of clothes. I can’t stand to part with them even though most don’t fit at present and I usually just wear pj’s most of the time.

I do have to go shopping at kohl’s tomorrow. I need pants for the trip, heck I need pants to leave the house period, all I have is yoga and track pants. Maybe I should wear them to the shrink so they can see just how much I don’t give a fuck about myself.

I won’t be lying to this one telling them I am fine when I am not. I made that mistake with the last one. I need to get some real help. I’m starting to get stressed about it though. We are doing a practice drive tomorrow so I can see where it is and how long it takes to get there. Hopefully long enough for my clonazepam to kick in..

I so hope they consider the ECT, I really want it and I just have a feeling that it will really help with my depression. Apparently it also helps with mania, so it could be a one-two shot. It’s worth some short term memory loss.

Hmm least I can write.. Blog done.